A REJECTED TELEVISION PILOT CALLED "GOOD TIMES, LET'S HAVE A BEER."
PREMISE: The main character, Tim, is an guitar tech who is also a vampire and has a friend nicknamed "Tagline." Tagline only speaks in advertising slogans and Tim, a little slow on the uptake, responds to every one. They also spend a great deal of their time with the Ghost of Vincent Van Gogh who has no patience for Tim and his shenanigans.
These are three scenes from the first episode.
TIM: Man, what a rough day at work. There was this one guitar that...[talking while looking in the fridge]...HEY! Who drank my blood....?"
[Tagline walks into room; audience breaks into applause]
Tagline: Just do it.
Tim: Just do what? I think I did it yesterday already. And who drank my blood?
Tagline: You want it, you got it. Toyota.
Tim: Yes, I wanted it but no, I didn't get it. There's no blood in this fridge. I had a tough day at work and all I wanted was a nice cup of AB+.
Tagline: Welcome to Marlboro Country.
Tim: Wha...? You're welcoming me? This is my apartment.
Tagline: Hey, you never know.
Tim: Yes, I do know. In fact, I have the signed lease right here.
Tagline: All you need is a dollar and a dream.
Tim: Well, actually I needed a lot more than that. Don't you remember I had to get my dad to co-sign the place.
[Van Gogh walks in]
Van Gogh: Hello, fools.
Tim: Geez, Vince, what happened to your ear? It's gone.
Van Gogh: Long story.
Tagline: Aren't you hungry for Burger King now?
Tim: Dude, I keep kosher! You knew that.
Van Gogh: No, you fool. He was merely quoting....
Tagline: It's Miller Time.
Tim: No, actually it's 5:45. Hey, Van did you drink my blood?
Van Gogh: You drink blood?
Tim: Yeah, I'm a vampire. You knew that...seriously, what happened to your ear?
Van Gogh: I'm hungry. Let's get dinner.
[Tim, Tagline and Van Gogh all head to Subway to dine on sandwiches]
Tagline: Subway, eat fresh.
Tim: I can't eat here. I keep kosher, guys. I guess I could sit here and play air guitar.
[Tim begins to play air guitar]
Van Gogh: Get a Coke and a ketchup packet. And stop playing air-guitar. You look like a moron.
Tagline: It just feel right.
Tim: Yes, it does feel right.
Tagline: Understanding comes with Time.
Subway employee: Can I take your order?
Van Gogh: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Can you speak in my good ear?
Subway employee: Can I please take your order?
Van Gogh: Oh, yes. I'll take a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and mayo.
Van Gogh: I like pig.
Tim: Pig? it's actually pretty cheap.
Tagline: Never leave home without it.
Tim: My wallet? I have it with me. Why? Do you need to borrow money?
Van Gogh: Geez, I'm sitting down.
Subway employee: Can I help you, sir?
Tagline: Snap, crackle, pop.
Subway employee: I'm afraid that's not on our menu. Can I get you something else?
Tim: Just order something else and don't give [Tim looks at name tag] "Feliciano" a hard time.
Tagline: Just for the taste of it.
Tim; I don't think you can get taste tests here. This isn't a Tasti-D-Lite.
Van Gogh: I HATE YOU ALL!
[The Ghost of Van Gogh's Girlfriend walks in]
Girlfriend: There you are, Vincent! What was this ear doing in my mailbox?
Tim: You sent your ear to your girlfriend???
Van Gogh: How else was I supposed to tell her how I felt for her?
Tim: Uhhh....send her a Hallmark card.
Tagline: When you care to send the very best.
Girlfriend: Here. Take your ear back. I don't want it.
Van Gogh: What the hell am I supposed to do with it now?
Tim: Oh God! I didn't notice but they serve garlic here. No wonder I can't breath well.
Van Gogh: Drama queen.
Girlfriend: OK, I'm leaving. I need to go give blood at the blood drive.
Tim: Can I come?
[Hours later at Tim's apartment]
Tim: HELLO? Anybody home?
Van Gogh: Yo. What's up?
Tim: Man, your girlfriend was O+. You can't buy that stuff. That was gold.
Van Gogh: Cool. Glad you enjoyed.
Tagline: Yeah, we've got that.
Tim: You have O+? Why didn't you tell me this?
Van Gogh: Staples, you dummy. Staples.
Tagline: In the road of life, there are drivers and there are passengers.
Tim: How true.
Tagline: Drivers wanted.
Tim: Now? Let me get my car keys. And my Van Halen mix.
Van Gogh: Ach, buffoons. I gotta go paint. Good night.
Tim: When you gotta go, you gotta Van Gogh. Ha ha ha. Get it?
Van Gogh: [Sigh] I wish I had cut off both ears.
Tagline: It's the right beer now.
[Audience applauds. Curtains go down]