Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Paris Hilton finally left prison last night after three weeks of unjust suffering. According to the Washington Post, the hotel heir-head "looking exuberant, sashayed past two rows of reporters and photographers held behind yellow police tape at the Lynwood women's jail just after midnight, before running to a waiting sport utility vehicle to hug her mother, Kathy ("Sashayed?" Who writes this crap?)."

While in prison, Hilton allegedly found meaning and enlightenment which I condone and support because they're both low-fat. Although, Meaning and Enlightenment could also be the name of a boutique jeans brand. Not sure. “I would like to make a difference,” she told Barbara Walters. “God has given me this new chance.” Indeed, Paris. God has given you another chance. So do what needs to be done and speak to Him. Or, better yet, speak to Larry King who is almost as old as God. And seems almost as arbitrary.

But really, what can Hilton do with all this newfound goodness bursting inside of her? Hilton told E! News last week that she hopes to build a “transitional home” to help recently released inmates readjust to freedom. And by "build," she probably means that Daddy will hire people to build it for her and then charge people to stay in it on a nightly basis. Kind of like a hotel. “These women just keep coming back (to jail) because they have no place to go,” Hilton said. “It’s a really bad cycle and if we stop it now, we can make our community a better place.”

“I appreciate everything now and I think there was a lot of bad people that I was around,” she continued “I don’t want to surround myself with those types of people anymore.” But if her cocaine dealer is reading, she means everyone except you. You can surround Paris anytime.

[Editor's note: Snarkiness aside, Hilton is actually just a girl with poor judgement and even poorer parental guidance. And already there's been way too much said about so little. She's contributed very little, if anything, to the world (even though she insists now that that will change) and you could compile the media's attention into an virtually never-ending book set. That being said, I'm trying to understand my fascination, albeit modest, with her. In fact, I've already set my DVR for the Larry King interview. Sad. I know. But why do I care? Could she have anything to say on Wednesday night that will change my life? Change my hour? Probably not. And I've been thinking about it. Ultimately, I think my interest stems from a frustrated disappointment.

I want to see Paris fail because she has never succeeded.

All that money, all that opportunity, the limitless potential to get things done and all she's ever accomplished is a bootleg sex video, cocaine and drinking binges and a number of driving violations. Hilton was born with the chance to live a significant and rewarding life and fails to take advantage. There are many rich, spoiled children disappointing their parents but not many of them are living their miserable failures as media events. Hilton is coy about her misbehavior apologizing insincerely for her ingrained demeanor. Spending three weeks in jail won't change anything about her and we all know it. Which is why we're watching on Wednesday night. We need someone to resent. We need an archenemy and Paris Hilton fills that role for us perfectly.]

Sunday, June 17, 2007


Peace? Nah. Who needs peace?
What Israel really needs is the 18 to 35 horny, beer-drinking demographic. "As this blog has reported":http://heebmagazine.com/blog/view/35, the Middle East country's New York Consulate teamed up with Maxim magazine for a very special cross-promotion featuring girls of the Israeli Defense Forces not necessarily wearing their uniforms, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Wink, wink.

Why didn't anyone think of this before? Middle east tensions flaring up? No problem. Let's just talk about boobies and what household items can be made into bongs. Perfect!

"Models are a great point of attraction," says the model Moran Atias whose first name, by the way, kinda sounds like "moron. Purely coincidental. "And I think if Bar or I are used to promote Israel in England or Italy or wherever, then I think that's a positive thing. It definitely brings attention to Israel in a positive way. It's a beautiful mix."

The Holy Land approved... wait, did I say, "Holy Land?" I meant, The Land of Totally Loose Babes approved the PR strategy when they discovered that most men associated Israel with "war or holy relics." If we can just show a few scantily clad models talking about how they love to sleep without underwear on, or, wait, how about the one that will say she's attracted to girls? I bet there's one of those. Anyway, if we just focus on these select models, maybe all our problems will go away. Maybe this whole Jewish-Arab stuff will be a thing of the past.

I was in Israel a couple of years ago and I couldn't put my finger on what was missing. And then, thanks to Maxim, I realized we need more dudes there. Not just dudes, though. Dudes that are interested in the Sexiest Assassins. I mean, who isn't interested in this? When I'm standing at the Wailing Wall, I too am thinking about Nicolas Cage's Magical Mystery Hair. This just seems like a perfect match. Kudos Israeli Consulate and Maxim magazine! You have solved the tourism problem in Israel simply by asking some Israeli women to wear a chain-mail bikini. Sweet.

Monday, June 11, 2007


The Jane blog has died but whatev, right? Seems pretty typical of the magazine industry. You put eighteen months into a project, consider yourself an integral part of said project to only then get a phone call thanking you for your contribution after the decision has already been made to shut it down. No consolation prize. No advance warning. Couldn't we at least have done it in person to make the parting high-five possible? Nokandu. I pack my virtual blogger cubicle and never look back. There's no security guard to escort me out but I will walk out of my bedroom and then come back in for added effect. Such is the life of a freelancer.

The good news is that the Heeb blog is alive and kicking. I show up whenever I have the chance. It wouldn't kill you to read.

And to all my Jane readers, I dedicate Feist's "Let It Die". Ouch indeed.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


The image “http://www.worstpreviews.com/images/underdog.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Has it really come to this...?

Spoon - "The Underdog"

Monday, June 04, 2007


One, two. One, two.
Is this thing on?

Oh, look at this. It does still work. And all this time....

Okay, don't sit down just yet. We're leaving.
Where are we going?
To catch up. It's been my longest stretch of blog silence since I can last remember and we have a lot to discuss.
This is serious.
But I'm glad you're here so let's get going.

Where do you want to go?
Coffee? A drink?
Are you hungry?
You are. Okay. Let me think.
How about this place over here...?

I'm glad to see that you're still with me. Truth is that it's been a busy few weeks. The full-time job has been going well. Quite well. In fact, just last week, I flew down to Miami to visit a client. Love them hotels with their room service and all. Ordering a latte to the room first thing in the morning was a serious perk.
Ha, ha. No, no pun intended.
But I have some bigger news.
I got engaged.
Yes, engaged to be married.
Pretty crazy, right?
Just two weeks back, I asked Shana to marry me and she said, Yes.
Well, we got engaged at the Puck Building in Manhattan.
Why there?
We're getting married there in November so...
[Phone rings]
Okay, I'll be over in a bit.
[To you]
Look, I'm sorry. I can't stay long though but I'm glad we had this short catch-up. At least we had the chance to reconnect and get back to being in touch. Let's keep this going. Can we do that?
Stick around for tomorrow.
We are so back on.

"Slow Show" - The National