Tuesday, January 18, 2005


Woody Allen - It seems that the aging director now sees his life as one long film entitled "Being Woody Allen," where every male acts and speaks like a nebbish, hypochondriac Jew. I had an epiphany the other night while watching his latest with Jason Biggs: this doesn't always have to be the case and in a situation such as the aforementioned (Christina Ricci? Was there an abundance of crack on the Upper East Side?), this already-beaten dead horse can sometimes bring fans one step closer to self-induced comas. Allen needs to create a main character that doesn't feel and taste like Wood. He should co-write a script with a young screenwriter that can inject some youthful optimism into his near-expiration-date cynicism.
Moreover, as he gets older and older, he should abandon his secret (or not-so-secret) desire to be a Grouch brother. When one gets to be his age, he should feel compelled to transmit wisdom and potency not slapstick and silliness. Take it from my grandfather. He sits there telling me how to live my life, not trying to bag Helen Hunt (although I don't know this for sure).

Perhaps someone needs to sit Allen down and make him watch Crimes & Misdemeanors, Annie Hall, Manhattan, Hannah & Her Sisters...there's a reason why they are all timeless classics. Because they are rife with a seriously deep understanding of humans and their complex emotions. Oh, and because Jason Biggs isn't in them.

Ben Affleck - Stop dating girls named "Jennifer" for one. And then start looking at some scripts not involving Kevin Smith (see also Kevin Smith). Ben needs to find a role that makes him likable which is really hard because of all the damage done to his career by poor film choices. His next choice would have to be a dying cancer patient or...Gandhi. Hmmm, scratch that--both involve acting...Ben's screwed.

Mariah Carey - Acting sane would be one suggestion. Actually, that's the only suggestion I have. But bear in mind that Mariah trying to act sane is probably almost as hard as Ben Affleck just acting.

Ashlee Simpson - Being a doof is not cute. I know this from personal experience. It was cute, like, when we were ten. And granted she is closer to her first decade than I am, this needs to stop because people are getting hurt. There are millions of ears that are falling victim to musical genocide everyday (I mean, there is a song on her CD called "La La," as in "I like to la la." This just hurts) I'm pretty sure that when a football stadium full of people are booing you, this is the time to re-evaluate your career. And blaming your band for a life performance mix-up--how would Ashlee put it--is so truly lame.
Here's my suggestion. Don't go on tour now to prove that you can sing live. It's a horrible mistake especially considering Simpson swears she won't use backing vocals and supporting tracks. Sounding like a Pterodactyl will not sell more CDs. Staying at home and taking some time off to plot the Big Comeback is the way to go. Trust me. And if you don't just ask Debbie Gibson how she likes being a housewife.

Britney Spears - This one's easy. Ok, your priority for 2005 is to not get married again. Try, as hard as it may be, to stick with the class act you're hooked up with now.
My second piece of advice is to go the Mandy Moore route and grow up. Become the woman you're not yet and forget the girl part. Record some obscure covers or perhaps a classic rock cover like a David Bowie song or Stevie Wonder. How insane would it be to hear Britney throw down a synthesized Pavement track? Maybe that's pushing it but all I'm saying is that perhaps Bobby Brown was a poor choice in role models--look at his career. It revolves around which drug dealer is around that day.
Spears needs to hire an image consultant that will remind her to wear shoes in a public bathroom and to wear clothing in videos. Also, this kabbalah thing is a bit whack. Britney needs to distance herself from anything Paris Hilton is involved with.

Ali G - Bringing him up again; my grandfather once said, stop it. It's not funny anymore. Zaide was ever the wise one.
Sasha needs to create some new characters. The old ones are...well, old. Borat is as discreet as Lindsey Lohan's drinking problem. With his popularity and current HBO budget, I'm certain he can hire some new writers to brainstorm on some new secret identities like a wayward Hasidic Jew or a gay German fashion consultant.
This brilliance just comes to me. Honest. It just flows.


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