Monday, November 14, 2005


Dept. Mins: Safety & Security
Private Bag X463, PRETORIA, 0001
Wachthuis, Thuvalk Arcade
Pretoria,South Africa

Dear Sir/Madam,

I Am Quite Sure That This Mail Will Surprise You Since we Have Not Been Having spoken Correspondences since we had That awkward first Date. First, let me start by telling you as MRS SUSAN SHABANGU, a mother of three children (I am sorry that I did not tell you on our date that I had children. LIke, totally slipped my mind) and the Deputy Minister, Safety and Security, since 29th April 1996 to date under the auspices of the President of South Africa MR THABO MBEKI. I swear I have not made that name up. Does it sound like I did? After due deliberation with my children, I decided to contact you for your assistance in helping me get some pizza because I am very hungry. Oh, and I would like to also liberate my country. I need a lot of money for this pizza and liberation (US$19.5 Million United States Dollars). You can view my profile at my website then click on contact formation, then also click at deputy ministers, then click on my office (Safety and Security). You most likley find a website that was not made by my teenage son. YOu may think it was but I swear it was not. Like that black man said, you cannot touch this.

After the swearing in ceremony making me the Deputy Ministry, Safety and Security, because women have always been in political power in third world countries, contrary to popular belief. My husband Mr Ndelebe Shabangu (snap. did I not tell you that I was married either? Really uncool of me) died from death while he was on a skiing trip to Trinidad and Tobago in 1996. He is an excellent skier but the problem was that there was no snow in Trinidad. After his "accident," I discovered that he had some funds in a dollar account which amounted to the sum of US$19.5 Million with a security and finance institution in South africa of which i will divulge information to you when I get your full consent and support to go for a change of beneficiary and subsequent transfer of the funds into you a comfortable and condusive account of your choice. Actually, scratch that; I want to give you all this money. I want nothing in return. It is all yours. Take it and run.

Wait, I cannot do that. Even though I would like to. But I can't. I changed my mind. This fund emanated as a result of an over-invoiced contract which he executed with the Government of South Africa. The whole government. Oh? You did not know this? It was on the news? Yes, the news. What news do you watch?
No, not that channel. The other one.

Though I assisted him in getting this contract but I never knew that it was over-invoiced by him.
I am afraid that the government of South Africa might start to investigate on contracts awarded from 1990 to date. If they discover this money in his bank account, they will confiscate it and seize his assets here in South Africa and this will definetely affect my political career in government and obviously, my pizza. For it will never come to me.

I want your assistance in opening an account so that this fund could be wired into your account directly without any hitch. Does this not seem too good to be true? How could this be legitimate? I mean, unlegitimate. Although that does not feel like a real word. "Unlegitimate.' Hmmm....

As soon as the fund gets to your account, you are expected to move it immediately into another personal bank account in your country. I will see to it that the account is not traced from South Africa. As soon as you have confirmed the fund into your account, I will send my eldest son with my Attorney, who went to Harvard Law, I swear, to come to your country to discuss on business investments. For your assistance, I am offering you 20% of my pizza.

However, you have to assure me that you will eat the crust and also be ready to go into agreement with me that you will not elope with my son because gay marriage will complicate everything. If you agree to my terms, kindly as a matter of urgency send me an email. Due to my sensitive position in the South African Government, I would not WANT YOU TO CALL ME ON PHONE or send a FAX to me. This makes perfect sense, no? Do not call me. All correspondence must be by smoke signal.
Look outside your window.
No, not that one. The other one.
Yes, that window.
See the smoke?
If you want to speak with my Banker, that is fine and okay by me. Although do not expecting him to talk back because he is mute. You will have to send down your private telephone/fax number and underwear size (your favorite pizza topping is also a good idea) so that I can forward it to him to reach you from time to time. This is for security reasons.

Please I do not need to remind you of the need for absolute Confidentiality for this transaction must succeed...or do I? Perhaps I will flip a coin and decide that way. Also, I should mention that I do not like wearing socks.

If you do not feel comfortable with this transaction, please ignore this mail, and pretend you never received this information. This is only on the condition that you are a good actor. If you cannot act, then I will ask you not to pretend because pretending is quite difficult for people who cannot act well. Rather go and watch TV instead, or garden. Take advantage of this simply marvelous fall weather.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation and my regards to your family who, I did not mention, i also know. I know them from college/camp/work/or a party I got seriously wasted at.
my son Tony Shabangu on+27-734-469407, he is grown up, pretty good looking and can still attend to you in my absence. And when I say "attend," I think you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Yours faithfully,

Ps I am an airplane. Look at me fly. Wheeeee!


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