Friday, January 20, 2006


Film producer Jerry Bruckheimer

Remember When - Alan Jackson
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
In da Club - 50 Cent
Disco Inferno - 50 Cent
Karma - Alicia Keys
The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
Oh - Ciara featuring Ludacris
Clocks - Coldplay
Bring Me to Life - G-Clef Jazz Trio
Lonely No More - Rob Thomas
Untitled - Simple Plan
Yeah! - Usher featuring Lil' Jon & Ludacris
Just the Way You Are - Billy Joel
Desperado - Eagles
Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2 - Pink Floyd
Desert Rose - Sting
With or Without You - U2
Gangsta's Paradise - Coolio feat. L.V.
Heaven (Simon & Shaker Remix) - DJ Sammy
Lose Yourself - Eminem
I'm Movin' On - Rascal Flatts
Un Bel Di Redux - East Village Opera Company
Caruson - Josh Groban

Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Or should I call you "Jerome?" I mean, that is your real name--isn't it, Jerome? It's not enough that you've given us CSI, CSI:Miami, CSI:NY, and the soon-to-be-aired CSI:Teaneck, NJ. Okay, kidding about that one.

But Jerry, we're still reeling from Kangaroo Jack. And Coyote Ugly? It's obvious that you are not the arbiter of good taste. And frankly, your iTunes Celebrity Playlist reinforces that assumption.

Starting off with an Alan Jackson song is okay if you're into country but, umm, I'm not. You say that this song is "a statement on the circle of life [PROFOUND! Wait, do you mean the circle of life? Or just the one Elton John sang about in the The Lion King?]. This one is for the closing credits, as we survey and assess events of our past." Closing credits, huh? Which is why you started your playlist with it? Hmmm. Maybe you got confused and overwhelmed when you were assessing events and surveying and stuff.

Your second song (OH MY GOD! THERE ARE TWENTY-THREE OF THESE!), "Here Without You" by 3 (yawn) Doors (yawn) Down (yawn) is "one of the best songs from last year." But actually, Jer, you chose it because of its "great lyrics."
You mean these?
"The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go."
Does it, Jerry? Does it get better?

Now, this is when you totally throw us for a loop. You pick a few "urban" hits that "make you want to dance." Oh snap. Dance, Jerry, Dance. Get your 'heimer on! Fitty's "In da Club" and "Disco Inferno" coupled side-by-side. And Ciara's "Oh" and Alicia Keys "Karma"? Are you sure you're not black? Like a really light-skinned black?

No, you're not. Because you pick "The Rising" by Bruce Springsteen, which is definitely an "interesting song with special melodies and rhythms." Special? How so? Like in an Olympics kinda way? Because I always thought there was something a little off about Bruce but could never put my finger on it.

Speaking of special, what exactly were you thinking when you picked a selection from a jazz trio's tribute album to Evanessence? "I love this version of the song. The revision of the song is really upbeat, and I love the rhythm and melodies." Ladies and gentlemen. Here is a man who is an immense influence on our nation through his ever-expanding empire of television and movies. Here is a man who has dominated mainstream culture. Here is a man who likes jazz version of crappy rap/metal music.

Now, Billy Joel, Eagles, Pink Floyd, U2...there we go, Jerry. See? This is you not trying so hard to impress the kids. These are your true colors. Doesn't it feel better? This is the music a man who looks like an older version of Seth Green should be listening to. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Embrace your thinly shaved bearded self. It's like Billy said. I like you just the way you are and for the time being, that means we will ignore the fact that you said "for a guy born in Hickville, Long Island, he is pretty hip" about Billy Joel.

Finally, Jerome, something's been bothering me. You have all this mainstream pop music but it's missing something. It's missing the culture. The depth. I don't know, man. It's just bugging me. Like, there needs to be something more substantial than simple radio music. Maybe something like...opera?
OH, MAN! You totes read my mind. "Un Bel Di Redux" by the East Village Opera Company which combines rock and opera. Awesome! High five, Jer! What a brilliant concept! Opera meet rock. Rock meet opera. You two should totally be buds and make music that inspires any sane person to kill for no good reason.
And continuing with this culture theme: Josh Groban, who, by the way, is really Josh Grobenstein. A male Celine Dion is a great way to finish this playlist, Jerry. Nicely done. And when are we getting a sequel to National Treasure, that brilliant film starring the ever-elastic Nicolas Cage because it was one of the best movies in the past thirty years and it raised some very heavy issues like...?
What? You're making it already?


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