Tuesday, January 10, 2006


The O'Reilly Factor For Kids

[Oh, man. This one is almost too easy.]

From the blurb: "Bill O'Reilly bring[s] you, America's Youth, a code of ethics by which to live. In his latest book, Bill takes to task bullies, cheaters, advertisers who target you irresponsibly...He lays bare the unvarnished truths about sex, money, smoking, drugs, alcohol and friends."

First off, if I were a bully, I would be packing it up as we speak. I would leave this country post-haste for more bully-friendly territories like Canada or Germany. Thank goodness that those countries and others like them also accept cheaters (you know who you are, you cheater you! And by the way, I'm totally telling!). And the advertisers...! How dare you! It's time you used your powers for good. I'm totally with Bill on this one: from now on, all ads should sell vitamins and only things that taste yummy.

And this whole sex, money, smoking, drugs, alcohol and friends fad has got to stop. It's high time Bill took on friends and pointed out how bad they are for you. While many may not know this, you can OD on friends. It's true--I know someone who did. Moreover, you can get lung cancer from friends. And worst of all, you can totally puke when you've had too much friends. Friends are ignored when it comes to the dangers of society and it makes me proud that a great American like Bill O'Reilly has taken friendship on.

Thankfully, later on in his book (you can see sample pages on Amazon), O'Reilly provides us with his winning O'Reilly List of True Friendship Factors [cue army-attacking-esque music sample]:
1. Don't lie.
Strong start, Bill. Strong start. You shouldn't lie. Lying is to the True Friendship Factor what O'Reilly is to credible news reporting. Oooh, zing. Just kidding, Bill. Laughs are so 2006!
2. Be there in bad times.
O'Reilly tells us to be there but hesitates to tell us where 'there' is. So, while his tip may make him a good friend, not telling us where to go pretty much negates that.
3. Be free with compliments.
As opposed to charging for them. Because everyone knows that asking for a dollar after complimenting an outfit is very awkward. O'Reilly saves us from said awkwardness. Keep your dollar. And nice outfit.
4. Notice when something's wrong.
Like, for example, when someone gives their kid a book compiling the advice Bill O'Reilly has for kids. Or like giving a kid a handgun. By the way, good noticing skills, people!
5. Know when to listen.
I'm not familiar with this 'listening.' Bill, help us out here...
6. Know when to intervene.
Like when your kid is reading O'Reilly Factor For Kids. Ha ha. Totally kidding again! Bill, like, man, you're so uptight. Cheeeeeell. Ha ha....buds?
7. Be yourself.
Ummm...if I were you, I'd kinda ignore this one. Might be a good idea.
8. Let your friend be himself.
Bill is totally right. I have this gay Jewish friend that votes Democrat all the time and believes in pro-choice and separation of Church and State. I would have thought this guy was like totally a bad influence but O'Reilly tells me to accept him. Bring him closer...but not like gay-closer. Yay! Thumbs up to tolerance, Bill! Yes! Say it with me: Tah! Low! Rinse! Yes! Awesome!
9. Laugh a lot.
Now, Bill, you know we're all about the laughing. Man, I don't think I ever see you not laughing. But really I kinda wish I were as laid-back as you, Bill. You are so awesomely Sir-Laugh-A-Lot.

Kudos for breaking down the intricate science of friendship. True wisdom is like gold and Bill, we’ve got bling-bling here. This is a revelation for the ages.

But even cooler. Bill totally knows about TV shows. Is he not like that cool teacher you never had? Later on, Bill admits that back in the day he had plenty of friends but "none of them looked like Jennifer Aniston. It would not be hard being her friend." Oh, snap. That is so funny! This book is awesome and full of laughs. They should just change the title and make it The Book of Awesome Laughs or--Oh! I got it--The Bible...or is that one taken already?

Or as one review on the Amazon website says:

"For a TV entertainer that spends most of his airtime belittling his guests, outright lying on his program; then denying such comments even when presented with video evidence, and using the word 'Nazi' more than most WWII veterans ever did, this is not the type of fellow you want to be around, let alone expose to your children."

NO! HE! DIDN'T! Did he just go there? He totally went there. And came back. And then went there again! Bill, do you see what they're saying? Like, this is almost 2010. Man, people totally need to chill out. What a Nazi, right?

Bill O'Reilly Fun Fact #1: Bill O'Reilly actually doesn't like anybody not like him. Wow!
Bill O'Reilly Fun Fact #2: Bill's favorite pastimes are football, yachting, and sexual harrassment. Fun!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved this one! I was laughing all the way through! Awesome read!

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man! Hilarious.
ZING indeed.

3:21 PM  

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