Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Look, the only reason I'm writing this preemptively is because I have been witnessing the craziness regarding James Frey's A Million Little Pieces and I don't want the same thing happening to me. No way. No how.

So I'll come out and say it straight. There are some inconsistencies and embellishments in my book and before people start picking it apart, I wanted to come clean about it. First of all, my real name is not God. It's Bill Lerner. I changed it because I just thought God sounded more omniscient than Bill Lerner and I also couldn't imagine people going to their respective churches and synagogues praying to a Bill Lerner. So after a few brainstorming sessions, God it was.

And The Bible...hmmm, not sure how I feel about that title but the marketers loved it. They thought it would sell really well with that name and frankly, they're right. It has sold well. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that my hotel sales manager is a very serious talent. Wowee. That kid has a furious future in sales.

But now I'll get to the scoop behind some of the stories in The Bible:

- Okay, so about this seven days, world thing. Not sure if it was seven days...it may have been something like, seven hundred and thirty years, forty-nine days, six hours and twenty minutes. Give or take a couple of minutes.

- Adam and Eve were technically not from the Garden of Eden. They were from New Jersey, the Garden State. The whole Eden thing played better with the test audience but ultimately, it's not that much of an exaggeration because there are in fact apple trees in New Jersey too.

- The New Testament was all made up. I know. I'm sorry. But after the success of the Old Testament, I had no choice but to provide a sequel. I was somewhat coerced into doing this by my agent and now realize the mistake of fabricating, a "savior," a "christ" or a "son of God." Which, by the way, is ridiculous as far as I'm concerned. I've never been interested in having children. Heck, I love kittens.

- The ten plagues were a bit embellished. The hail, deadly frogs, terminal animal virus, boils, blood, darkness, death of the first borns, locusts, etc. was actually just heavy rain. A lot of rain. Which made the Egyptians also really uncomfortable. Because they were totally wet. Which is almost as bad as boils. Almost.

- This particular event has been a source of much debate over the years. We didn't exactly split the sea. Believe it or not, but the Jews used to be really great swimmers.

- Nothing makes me madder than James and his appropriation of my book. I mean, what's the deal? What stops me from re-writing The Devil Wears Prada and then naming it The Devil Wears Prada - God's Version?

Oh, by the way, I will say it one last time. I don't have a beard. The facial hair makes me all itchy.


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