Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Bad news.
Are you sitting?
Are you sure?
Okay, good.
Can I get you something?
Well, I'll just come out and say it. I'm still losing the Jewish And Israeli Blog Awards.
Oh, c'mon. Don't make a scene.

Yesterday, I began investigating who my competition was and found that I can be, if the circumstances warranted it, obnoxious and sarcastic. But let's not allow this realization to prevent us from further investigating.

Next blog in the competition for Best Personal Blog is Mirty's Place.

Mirty is forty-five and is "your fairy blog-mother" whether you like it or not. I assume this means that whenever a your blog loses a tooth, she slips something under your blog's pillow. I think.
Anyway, let's ask Mirty if she has any blog postings about the wallpaper on her desktop. As luck would have it...she does! In a posting entitled "What's Your Wallpaper," Mirty says:
"My current wallpaper is this picture of Red Rock Canyon. We visited it during Thanksgiving vacation. Up on the rock are two of our family members. At first, I thought it was my husband's uber-competitive older brother and his son. But looking more closely, I see that abundance of black hair. I believe this is Ted's older sister and her husband up on that rock. Quite an impressive climb for them."

Fascinating stuff.
We move on.

Now, I have a bone to pick with the Orthodox Anarchist who's name is Mobius, which, yes, you're right, sounds like a character from The Matrix. Mobius is a frequent blogger on, like, seventeen blogs and writes often on Jewschool. You would think that someone as heavily involved in the Jewish community as I am would be linked somewhere amongst his blog publishing empire (is Mobius the Jewish blogging Donald Trump: discuss). I am the Music Editor of Heeb Magazine, as well as the Music Columnist on Bang It Out. I mean, what else do I have to do to finally get linked? Jesus.
Oh, man...did that just ruin my chances?

And now, pleased to meet you, Orthomom. Loved your movie. I'm a huge Michael Keaton fan.

When you go back to Orthomom's first posting, you'll find out the compelling reason for why Orthomom started a blog. She had to! She was urged! It was urgent! It was important! It was compelling! She was compelled!

"Hi out there. I figured there comes a point at which the number of comments an individual leaves on other blogs hits critical mass. It is at that interval that said individual officially becomes a frustrated blogger. I think I hit that classification, oh, about 300 comments ago. So here we are."

Oh, Orthomom. Was that your reason? Was this your raison d'etre? It couldn't be that this is all....there's gotta be something else.

"I am a 30-ish, orthodox Jewish, suburban, working mother of 4. I'm opinionated, sometimes cynical, fairly political, decidedly overworked, moderately sleep-deprived and generally happy with my lot in life (Thank God). And I'm jumping on the blog bandwagon."

The blog bandwagon? "The blog bandwagon"?!?! That's your reason? And pray tell, who's making Shabbos dinner while you're riding this bandwagon, young lady? Just who is preparing the gefilte fish for the children while you type your fairly political thoughts away? How can you sit there and reflect on your sometimes-cynical (shame on you!) musings when you know that the challah is not being baked? Stop this bandwagon, driver. Stop it before another apple crunch goes unmade.

Speaking of insane rebels: Renegade Rebbetzin is not what you think. She's not the wife of the Rabbi selling marijuana to her congregation, although that sounds like a promising television series. Note to self: Rebbetzin pot dealer series. Look into it. Pitch it to Showtime.

The Rebbeztin, which means the wife of a community Rabbi, is writing her blog anonymously. She has assigned herself the name "Phil," because Phil is, you know, a woman's name. RR is smart. She knows the only way to get a book deal is to post anonymously. Kudos, Rebbeztin. Shrewd tactic.

"I do have children, but I am no more a "baby machine" than any other creature with a uterus."

Ewww. She said "uterus."

"Here I am, ready to shout, be heard, and (I'm sure) be shouted at. I look forward to trying to find my "voice" in this Internet world where I may attempt to navigate the complexities of who I was, who I am, where I am going, and who and what I am attempting to be."

Who you were? Who you are? Where you're going? Who and what you're attempting to be? I'm not sure, hon, but I'm in Social Work School. We should talk for a 50-minute hour some time.

Seraphic Press is in the lead. And to be honest, he's not bad. He's a screenwriter writing a script for the Lifetime Network, so obviously he's in touch with his feminine side. But his blog is predominately about the loss of his 22-year-old son. Considering how far his lead, I can assume Seraphic Press will be the Best Personal Jewish Blog. Which will definitely get him that big cash prize they're giving. What? No cash prize?, why am I asking people to vote then?

Now, Superfluous Juxtaposition is, um, how do I say this? She's kinda in last place. Maybe next year?


Blogger Jack Steiner said...

I lost, didn't I


5:15 PM  
Blogger Arye said...

Dude, you have six blogs? Whoa, how do you have time to post comments on other peoples' blogs? Maybe that explains why those comments are just one word each.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Obnoxious and sarcastic? Check. Perhaps even doenright mean? Check. I definately would have voted for you but once I was eliminated in round one from my category (in Superfluous Juxtaposition fashion, I may add), I washed my hands of the whole process.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, can I tell you why you lost? Even with this pathetic whoring for votes, and all of your snarky yet not even a little funny put-downs of your competitors? Because they are better than you.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Arye said...

Finally. I'm getting some comments. Sweet.

Well, it looks like I made some enemies in the Jewish blogging inner-circle. Perhaps I could put that on my resume?

And please, let's try not to use words like "whoring." This is a family site.

Thanks for writing, guys. Keep up the awesome words of chizuk/encouragement.

4:20 PM  
Blogger Robbie said...

A good enemy's hard to find. Congrats on that.

5:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feeling better, Aryeh?

11:34 PM  
Blogger Jack Steiner said...


Some posts don't merit more than a couple of words. Besides if you really spent any time looking at my blogs you'd see that there really is one working blog, but that is a side story.

I didn't waste my time tearing apart other blogs and crying about how they beat me. But if that makes it easier for you to sleep at night, be my guest.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope you get some psychiatric help.

11:42 PM  
Blogger Arye said...

Coca Cola? Is that you?

11:52 PM  
Blogger Stacey said...

I think the JIB awards are ridiculous and frankly, I am sick of hearing about them.

Everyone spends a month or 2 each year campaigning for them and it is so tiresome...not to mention the fact that this really has a negative effect (IMHO) on the quality of the blogs.

I think the whole thing just sucks.

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tongue in cheek people.
just grow up already.
can't someone just be funny for the sake of it?

12:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stacy is cool. Competition sucks.

9:35 AM  
Blogger I'm Haaretz, Ph.D. said...

I'm at least two months late but I think this post is hilarious. Consider reposting it as a purim spoof? Maybe the critisicm would have better reception :) you were spot on. I'm still laughing.

7:14 PM  
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5:32 AM  

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