Wednesday, November 12, 2014

ON THE SPECTRUM


The thing about moving to a new community is that you start thinking about friends. Old ones, new ones. Close ones, the ones you thought you were close to, the friends who stick with you irregard of location. There are the friends who disappear completely, and there are friends who will always feel close no matter how long the gap between catch-up sessions. 

I have spent many contemplative hours on the notion of friendship. What it means. Questioning whether its real, or if it's simply a brand name given to people of convenience. And in truth, I vacillate between the two alternatives. There are times when I feel extremely fortunate for having so many friends, but then there are time when I wonder whether I'm deluding myself. I'll sometimes wonder, what are my friends thinking? What do they say about me when I'm not around?

The other day, Jerry Seinfeld conducted an interview in which he revealed that he believes himself to be somewhere on the autism spectrum because "basic social engagement is really a struggle." There was somewhat of a backlash coming from the the autism advocacy community, but while they say controversial appropriation, it comforted me to hear this from someone so successful. 

While basic social engagement has never truly been a struggle for me, I do suffer from a deep-rooted and well hidden insecurity which makes me question just about every relationship I have ever had. It's an exhausting especially when it happens in real time, during those very moments of engagement. My hyper-analytical mind is not only devoting resources to the conversation in progress, but it is also wondering over the organic nature and potency of the connection.

Being in a new place, in new surroundings, will truly fray the nerves of this already fragile structure, throwing this dizzying centrifuge of self-doubt into a chaotic vortex. I would be lying if I did not admit that it's a weird time akin to the way you felt when you were a high school freshman, and I decided that as awkward as it is to articulate this vulnerability, I would still do so in an effort to understand it better. And perhaps even conquer it.  


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