Thursday, October 16, 2003


Granted it's been a while. Are you mad? Wait....did you think we weren't talking because we were in a fight? Heavens forbid (I just said "heavens forbid"). I like you. A lot. A lot a lot. You knew that.

It's just been that "things" have been slightly "trying." Yeah, trying in quotes. That means the word "trying" doesn't even do justice to what's been going on. I actually find it interesting how similar that word is to "trial." I guess that's the intention but still I never took the time to recognize that. The wonders of the English language. Been speaking it for 26 years and I still find the little pleasures in it.

So, where do we start? How about you sit first?

Here. Take this chair. Want something to drink?

I don't know--water? Orange juice? Coke....? Actually, I don't have any Coke.

Ok, water. Be right back.....

Yeah, I'll get to it. Sorry. I'm procrastinating.

Well, I've been thinking a lot about life, the future, what decisions to make...unfortunately, I recently experienced another death very close to me and I'm not sure if I was completely ready for that.

True. No, we are never ready. True. But still, this rocked my proverbial boat. Right into the water, plunging in the deep without a life preserver. It felt a bit like drowning. You try to forget keep them supressed....or as I like to put it, keep them at bay. "Supressed" has a negative connotation. Like I'm doing something intentionally bad to myself like anorexia. And I would never do that. It's stupid.

Yeah, I know. People have told me I'm looking thin nowadays. It's excercise. I'm trying to stay alive here despite that not being the theme around these parts. But anyway....I kept my emotions at bay, telling myself everything was back to normal....whatever that means. But then this happens. And everything falls from the attic to the basement. There are no ceilings or floors. There is nothing to keep the baggage we store away hidden and secure. It's a freefall. Crumbling. Collapsing.

Good question. I haven't written anything in awhile because I didn't know how to talk to you. I don't want to bum you out. Get you down. But still....this is what's on my mind. Yes, I'm ok. I think this is all completely healthy. We doubt. We feel pain. We feel angst. Pain is not bad. Pain feels bad...there's a difference...but the possesion of it, this is what makes us feel alive. We are feeling. And that is something.

Yes, the future. Well, I've been thinking about doing something more meaningful to people. I'm thinking about school. Going back to graduate school and applying myself and becoming a teacher. The notion feels right. I just need that direction to something better than me, something that feels greater than the notion of me. No, I won't give up the music writing. I feel better about it more than ever. It makes me feel great and I am getting better at it. Wish me luck.

Ha ha. Thank you.

Yeah, I know. I've missed you, too. I'm glad you came back. Seriously.

Social You're picking all the sensitive topics here. Well, obviously, everything is easier when you have a pillar or wall to lean on. I don't have that luxury yet so I built my own. It's temporary. Think of it as an item from Ikea. I will replace it with something more substantial soon.

Look...crap. Oh, I'm sorry. I need to go but I must say; I am so happy to be back. We have so much to catch up on. And we will. Fret not.

Thank you for sticking around. It's so very meaningful to me.


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