Monday, November 10, 2003


Angelina Jolie once tore Jay Leno a new chin.

One late night, when Letterman was a repeat, I saw Ms. Croft verbally attack Jay Leno on Late Night and it was beautiful. It was like watching a Fox TV program called "When Incestous Celebrities Attack Talk Show Hosts." Jolie pulled out a piece of paper and began to read a list of jokes that Leno had made throughout the years about her, her brother and her ex-husband, Billy Bob Thorton. Leno squirmed, he apologized, he did not know what to say that could make things better. But best of all, Leno was sweating like a Bubbi in a suana. Pleasure, thine name is an Embarrased Leno.

For some strange reason, I have always resented Leno, the way he sits smugly in his chair with a celebrity to his side, the way he rushes said famous person's sentences just so he could deliver his one-liner. Leno is so self-involved that he forgets to turn off his egocentrity when there is another person to focus on. It reminds me of the scene in "Being John Malkovich" when John Malkovich imagines everyone in the restaurant looks like him. People see what they want to see. Jay probably wants to see himself. As Def Leppard asked, Jay, when you make love do you look in the mirror. I'm thinking the answer is "yes," Jay. And you're a sicko.

The one thing that has baffled me about Leno most of all is how he retains his popularity (he even beats Letterman in the ratings) despite his obvious awkwardness. His constant babbling is evidently due to his discomfort with interviewing others. Personally, I don't want to hear his chin anymore. I mean, don't you get tired of hearing that one friend always talks about him or herself? Granted that friend surrounds him or herself in good company (like you) but nobody likes being an extra in an movie (especially when they actually have a movie to promote).

Ellen Degeneres is the anti-Leno. Out of all the times I have had the privelage to watch her show (job? what job?), she has impressed me with her attentiveness and her sincerity. She has most importantly made me laugh. Like chat-room-LOL-laughing. Her unpretentiousness and her down-to-earth personality is charming and disarming (and I rhymed). Because of the special treatment, her celebrities obviously enjoy being on the show. In fact, it seems like everyone on the show is having fun. Man, I want to have fun. Bummer.

Ellen, I know you are a lesbian. I understand your decision and respect it. I don't need your un-manicured hand in marriage...just have me on the show. Seriously. I could be funny. I can riff. I can be cute, adorable, viable to the 25-50 house wife market ( I can cook!).

Heck, I could be your co-host. Your Ed. Your Andy. Think about it. I want to have fun. I also want to be the anti-Leno. Make it happen.

C'mon. I'm listed.


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