Sunday, November 16, 2003


MY SON and I were walking in the ominous halls of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We were there to observe paintings. And so we did.

Moments later, as we stared at a painting of a heavy Colonial-era woman sitting on a horse, we discovered an elderly couple standing before it and discussing something rather feverishly.

My son then turned to me, apparently quite disturbed by the seniors in debate, and innocently said "old people sure are loud."

- Mary Whinston, Vermont

AS A NATIVE New Yorker I find that nothing surprises me anymore.

But on that note, while I was walking down Broadway in Midtown Manhattan, a random man approached me in what seemed to be nothing but a raincoat. He said that he had been locked out of his house while doing the laundry (including the clothes he was wearing that day) and now had nothing to wear other than the raincoat he was dressed in. He was quite distressed as people kept mistaking him as a flasher.

"Oh my," I said. "How could I help you out of this horrible predicament?"

He then told me that all I would have to do is break the window of his apartment for him and then he would be able to retrieve some clothes. I was shocked that this man who was so down on his luck, in such a terrible scenario, needed so little of me.

And so I broke that window. With great pride, mind you.

Hours later I saw the police outside that apartment building with the man being escorted into a police car wearing the same raincoat but this time he had more on with his newly adorned handcuffs!!!

New York, what a city!

- Jim Sheppard, Queens, NY

Overheard on the bus going cross-town on 86th between two adorable middle school children:

"So what if I killed somebody? Like you're so innocent yourself."

- Janice Keller, NY, NY

I AM an illegal immigrant living in the Lower East Side of Manhattan and my living conditions are cramped and uncomfortable. I cannot afford the rent in larger apartments so on occasion I head uptown to the Upper East Side and pretend I own a massive five bedroom with a maid, butler and door man.

It is my ultimate fantasy to be an Upper East Sider and I always get great pleasure from this little daydream.

Then on one miraculous day, while I was staring up at a particularly beautiful building on Park Ave, a window opened and a man peered out. He was looking at me.

"I have seen you here quite often," he said to me.

"Yes," I said back. "I like to look up at the building and pretend I live in them. It is a fantasy of mine."

"Oh," the man said back. "I bet it sucks to be poor."

And you know what? He was right.

- Yuan Yoltezic, NY, NY

I WORSHIP Satan. Satan is our Lord.

- John Meadows, Florida

EVERY morning on my way to work, I would stop at our local bakery for a wonderful, scrumptious blueberry muffin. I would savor every second of my final taste of freedom before I entered the building in which I compromise my integrity every day.

On this particular morning, though, I stopped at my favorite bakery for my traditional muffin and found the bakery was closed for business. The sign had read "our store is closed because the a**hole Bloomberg has raised the rent in this whole entire city making businesses like ours impossible to survive."

And all I could remember was thinking just how horrible this was. I mean, where would I get my blueberry muffin on the way to work?

- Valerie Goldenberger, NY

OVERHEARD on the L Subway platform, two hipsters conversing while waiting for an on-coming train:

"Man, trains are, like, so tedious. Wouldn't it be cool if we could fly?"

"Yeah. Do my pants look vintage enough?"

-Jenny Tranger


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