Sunday, February 29, 2004


Best Actor: Sean Penn, Mystic River. Although seeing Johnny Depp win would finally validate my unadulterated faith in him since the days of 21 Jump Street. Hey, half the time, even I thought he was in high school.

Best Actor, Supporting: Tim Robbins, Mystic River. Let's be realistic; if you can't pronounce the guy's name (Dijmon Hounsou, In America), he ain't winning.

Best Actress: Charlize Theron, Monster. No, we don't need to condone her acting career but unfortunately, Keisha Castle-Hughes is too much of a longshot. And Diane Keaton's glove habit it just too creepy for mainstream America. Show us your hands, woman.

Best Actress, Supporting: Renee Zellweger, Cold Mountain. If Harvey doesn't get this one, rumor has it he is going to kill a puppy.

Animated Feature: Finding Nemo. But it's not like this is a real category. They couldn't even find five films to fill out the nominees.

Director: Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings. Because hell hath no fury like three and a half million D&D geeks scorned.

Documentary Feature: Capturing the Friendmans. Best film of 2003 about pedophiles, for sure.

Foreign Language Film: The Barbarian Invasion.

Best Picture: LOTR. This franchise has made over a billion dollars already. And considering I have contributed to some of that, I would like to see my investment reap the benefits.

Screenplay, Adapted: American Splendor. An award ceremony awarding drama needs to have some of its own.

Screenplay, Original: Lost In Translation. Rumor has it, if Sofia loses this one, Francis is going to kill a puppy.

Original Song: Honestly, there are no winners in this category. Only losers.

Cinematography: Master and Commander. It ain't easy shooting a film in the ocean...or so I'm told.


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