Monday, June 07, 2004


BBS: So, Mustache, I just want to thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

Mustache: Don't be silly. It's my pleasure to be anywhere than under the nose of some random person.

BBS: Mustache, I hope this statement does not offend you but it's you that is so random. Essentially, you're facial hair just hanging there in middle of the face. I can't imagine that you serve much purpose... other than adorning the most dangerous dictators of all time like Hitler, Hussein, Mussolini, Tom Selleck...

M: Hmmm, looks like you started this interview with a toughie. One of the most difficult things about being the mustache is explaining yourself. People ask, why the mustache and more often than not, the answer is "I don't know. Just kinda wanted one." Imagine living this ambiguous existence where your life is based on a whim, when you don't even know why you're there. That's not easy.

BBS: I can't imagine. After all, everyone needs a sense of purpose.

M: And moreover, every time you see a shaver, you think maybe this is my last day. Maybe this is the day when I go from living above the lip to dying in the drain of your sink. You can't possibly relate to the sort of anxiety I face day-to-day.

BBS: Well, maybe we could resolve this insecurity. There's got to be a better response to the why-did-you-grow-a-mustache-question...

M: Hmmm. Well, I am sexy. There's nothing sexier than a mustache. Of course, I'm referring to a man's mustache, not a woman's.

BBS: Ha ha. So true.

M: I understand why women get rid of me. I'm not for them. I shouldn't be there. I take no offense to that whatsoever. There was this one riot grrrl type who wouldn't wax and it was very disturbing to me. I pleaded with her to let me go but she wouldn't. Foolish pride, I tell you. She wasn't proving anything. Not to me, not to anyone. People would call her, "sir" and I felt awful because technically it was my fault. "Can I help you, sir" and I would wince because I knew I was the cause of the problem.

BBS: Awful. I'm so sorry. That must of been painful for you.

M: It was. I mean, I've been through some hard times. This whole Hitler mustache thing also has been so hurtful. People growing facial hair like that. I'm like, what is wrong with you? Why would you want to replicate that god-awful fashion statement?

BBS: What's next for the Mustache?

M: I will be in a few movies the coming year. Some TV stuff...I'm pretty hopeful. My agent says that I could be making a come back and if Mac...I call him "Mac"...Culkin can do it then why can't I? Heck, I've never gone away.

BBS: I hear you're huge in Cuba.

M:...and in Iraq. Are you watching the war footage? Every one there had a mustache. I'm like the It Facial Accessory.

BBS: Could we do a word association?

M: Sure.

BBS: Mark Twain.

M: He owes me everything. He would be nothing without me.

BBS: Burt Reynolds.

M: Make up your mind. Are we on? Off? On? C'mon, Burt, call me. Don't play hard-to-get with me.

BBS: Edge.

M: That's almost a Fu Manchu. Not a mustache. I'll tell you a secret, though. Under that hat, he's bald. True story.

BBS: The Milk ad campaign (Where's Your Mustache?)

M: Offensive. What is that crap? A milk mustache? Insulting! Every time I see some attractive young lady like Tyra Banks with a milk mustache, I am hurt like a kick in the groin.

BBS: Mustache, we're out of time but thank you so much for coming in and talking with us. I'll say that while you don't make sense to a lot of people, you're a great descriptive trait.

M: Thanks, Sincerity. If I can just plug my new appearance on John Feller’s face. I'll be there for sure this week. After that, call in first to confirm.


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