OVERHEARING HIM TALK ON THE PHONE (a short story)

Hello?

Yeah, it's me.

No, I'm not sick. Do I sound sick?

Nope, really, I'm not...uhhh...must be the poor connection. Are you on that new cell phone?

Yeah, I don't really like using cell phones that much, either. So how was your day?

Ah ha.

Three times?

Well, after that did he stop? It?s so not worth the money.

No, you must've heard wrong. I got the real story from my brother and he told me that Richie was more likely to buy into the deal if Tom was into it.

Well, I haven't spoken to Tom yet. You know, he?s not the easiest person to get in touch with.

I know. I know. It's sad. And I heard she had no idea, either. I've always said that Tom was a real inconsiderate ass.

Yeah, but you're friends with her?

Uh uh.

Look, I'm meeting up with you in about an hour. We'll talk about this then. I need to shower.

No, I don't take baths. That's so ridiculous. My grandmother takes baths.

Besides my roommates and their random pubic hair?

Oh please, I am not being a hypochondriac. It's just gross.

Oh, and this is coming from the girl that wouldn't ride a water slide because of genital herpes.

Yeah, that was you.

No, baths are cool. Very therapeutic and relaxing. I can sit in a bath, just reading and listening to tunes.

I don?t keep the radio near the bath.

Ha ha ha. Very good.

Well, I was going to wear that cowboy shirt I bought in that thrift shop in Jersey.

I was assuming that this would be a casual affair. Why didn't you mention that before?

I cannot believe you. Let's say my tuxedo was at the dry cleaner. Jesus, girl!

No, it's not. But that?s irrelevant. I cannot believe this.

I am not making a big deal out of this. This is really stupid already. I would have never agreed to go to this fiasco if I knew it was black tie only.

You cannot bring that up every time I bitch about doing you a favor.

No...no..no...it was four months ago. Not last week. Four freakin' months ago. There has to be a statute of limitations for holding people hostage with a favor.

Now, you are getting dramatic.

Honey, stop. Stop. Please.

Ok, yes, I want to go to this party. I was only being difficult.

Yes, I will wear my tux and look dashing.

I promise.

Yes, I said "promise."

Listen, why don't you go get ready and I will be ready in about forty-five minutes?

Good.

I love you, too.

Huh...hold on, I have a call waiting.

Hello?

Hey. One sec. Let me get rid of my pain-in-the-ass girlfriend.

Hello?

Hey, I gotta go. It's my mom on the other line.

Ok, I'll see you in forty-five.

Bye.

Hello?

Sorry. I told her you were my mom.

Nah, she means well. Will you stop bagging on her...

Shit. It's tonight?

Damn. Oh, damn.

I can't go. I have this black tie dinner party with...

Ok, very funny. Like I haven't heard that joke before. Listen buddy, I'm the one with a girlfriend.

I really can't go.

I know we arranged this ages ago. And sometimes you have to sacrifice for a relationship.

Alaska? No way.

No, I have the weather forecast right here. It's thirty-seven degrees Fahrenheit.

Well, I'm more likely to miss pizza than anything else.

Because I don't think Alaskans can make Pizza.

No, they can't make sushi.

I know it's called an Alaska roll but still since when is salmon and avocado Alaskan?

Well, yeah sure it's called the french fry but over there they call it les fritte...

OK, I gotta go like now. We'll talk.

Swear.

Yup. Later.