JON STEWART IS IN MY OFFICE HAVING LUNCH WITH THE HIGHER-UPS AND I AM SITTING HERE ALONE IN MY CUBICLE; yet another episode of the Man keeping me down

Dear Jon,

You're Jewish and so am I. Yet, I sit here doing research on Sandra Bernhardt for the upcoming Sexy Issue of New York Magazine and you're dining with the editor-in-chief. Where is the justice here? How did this happen?

And speaking of sexy; how did you convince the female Gentile population of America that you, a nebbish, short, graying Hebrew is one of the sexiest men alive? What is the secret? Is it the self-deprecation. Because if it is, I am a master at that.
Ready?

I suck.

See. Are you convinced? Where are the women? Why are they not flocking already?

Maybe it is your sense of humor. I know, I know...I've heard the line so many times I almost (almost!) believe it--women love a guy who can make them laugh. Well, Jon, did you know that I do stand-up comedy? Yes, I do, on occasion. I've performed in Caroline's, the Comedy Cellar, Gotham...all these places. Yet, still, I sit here in this dreary cube listening to the irritating thwack of the passerby's with their flip-flops (shouldn't there be an office ban against these?) while I should be on a beach in Ibiza with scantily clad waitresses bringing me my every whim...or at least, more practically, in the conference room upstairs having lunch with you.

Pass the salad, I would say.
And you would say, Arye, are we watching our weight?

Just about every night, my roommates and I watch you on TV. The Daily Show has been a highlight of my day ever since you seized the reigns from the perptually smug Craig Kilborn. Sadly, like a great number of people my age, its where I get a lot of my news (really, Jon, is Saddam Hussein hiding in New Jersey?). And while the material itself is funny, your delivery is what's most wining about the show. The shy, humble reporting as if you're enjoying it along with us. It's not stoic or unatural like Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon. They could learn a thing or two from you. That comedy is all about performing for an audience and not accumilating more female high school student crushes. Despite having "me" in the middle, Comedy (big C) is all about the audience. Not about the ego. And I think you know that.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you. For being funny. For being a role model. And finally for showing me Jewish guys have the potential to win over shiksas.

Best,
Arye

[I waited outside my office for about twenty minutes. I waited and waited. Pretended I had phone calls to make, looked (very convincingly) busy and finally, Jon walked out. I went over to him, introduced myself and handed him the letter above. I said, I work at New York Magazine and I heard you were there. I just wanted to give you a thank note. He looked at me, very warmly and appreciative, and said, thanks so much. That's really nice of you. I said, nice meeting you and ended our encounter on a high note.
Granted my letter is not perfect or all that eloquent but it's all I had time to write. In fact, in retrospect, I'd say "I can't believe I gave this to him." But anyway, what's done is done.

I don't expect anything to come of it (just in case, though, I attached my business card to it-ha) but nevertheless, if I was in his position, I would want people to let me know that I'm doing something good. Because so much of comedy is the reaction, not the delivery. It feeds off satisfaction, comedy is by no means self-sufficient.

God, I hope he's not insulted by the grey-haired and short reference]