Tuesday, June 07, 2005

TODAY'S NEW RELEASES
AND WHAT THEY WILL SAY ABOUT YOU
JUNE 7th EDITION


If you bought COLDPLAY's X&Y:

You like romantic comedies. You cry during long distance commercials. You cry even harder when said long distance commercials have a baby, a puppy or Catherine Zeta Jones. Why? Because you think she is so beautiful, you're mind cannot begin to comprehend that level of beauty. You do not know that you are wrong and in reality, Catherine Zeta Jones is just eh. You voted for Kerry because he seemed like the type of guy who would play "Clocks" over the loudspeaker before adressing the public. You're like totally bummed that tickets to the upcoming show at MSG cost you $50 because you were hoping to start taking yoga more frequently and you don't have enough money for both because, well, you like to save. Your favorite food is sushi and Jamba Juice shakes (low-fat ones, mind you!). You think, holy cow, The Da Vinci Code was so great. And you hate snobs like me that make fun of you for buying an album based on the fact that The O.C. used it in a recent episode. You say something like, Oh you're such a snob. I bet you think you're better than me because you know so much about music. I say back, Yes, I do. Sometimes.

If you bought THE WHITE STRIPES' Get Behind Me Satan:

You still use the term "Alternative Rock." You respect Jack and Meg White for dressing exclusively in red and white because it's making some kind of a statement. You're just not sure what that statement is and you also truly don't have the time to think about this statement because if you actually thought about it and finally came to the conclusion that the statement was dumb, you would be so disappointed. You really like Johnny Cash and you can't wait until his next album comes out. You just found out that Johnny Cash is dead and now you too are bummed. You think two people in a band doesn't seem like enough to qualify them as a band per se and there should at least--at the very, very least--be a bassist. You also use the term "per se" a bunch. You think the blues is the truest form of music but yet it all sounds the same to you. You think Meg is kinda hot in a this unusual way. You can't exactly put your finger on it but when you see a picture of her, you think, Yeah, I could totally date her. When a friend finally asks you what you see in her, you say, I don't know. She just does it for me. Oh, and you're a sophomore in college.

If you bought BLACK EYED PEAS' Monkey Business:

You tell everyone that you work out to the Black Eyes Peas because, you know, they're fun. You can only name two people in the band; that guy named will.i.am and Fergie because you are waaaaay into her (I mean, how can you not be? She's so much better looking than Meg White) but the other two...hmph. Not sure about them. Besides, they don't add that much to the group. They're like just random dudes that shout out some random words. You love summer blockbusters and cannot wait for the Dukes of Hazard movie because it looks HYSTERICAL! You were disappointed by the Britney/Kevin reality show because it was kinda boring, wasn't it? You feel bad for JC Chasez because you don't think he got the chance he deserved. You ask people, Where is the love? You then giggle because you think of Justin Timberlake in your head. You also hate snobs that pick on you for your taste in music, bad or not. Whatev, snob! You read Vibe because sometimes you feel a little bit street. You can't tell the difference between Nelly and Ludacris. Wait, which one has the Band-Aid on his face? You were told it was some sort of gangsta thing but that doesn't seem true because why would a Band-Aid make you look tougher? You don't get it. You like 7-11 and even better--when that 7-11 is next door to a mall. Hot Topic is not your style but Express has some pretty fresh looks nowadays. Even though you love the Black Eyed Peas, you will not pay for tickets to their concert because you're "concerned" (you use the word "concerned") what kind of audience they will attract. You love salad but don't realize the dressing is so incredibly high in fat. You're from Staten Island. And you shout out "Let's get it started" at the most inappropriate moments like on first dates.

If you bought KELLY OSBOURNE's Sleeping In The Nothing:

Well, you are Sharon Osbourne.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and what if you bought the new Motion City Soundtrack album today?

10:53 PM  
Blogger Arye said...

Yr totally punk and you write "yr" instead of "you're" because, well, that's so punk.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous youcannotbeserious said...

...and what if you bought the new but not really new annie album today?

10:24 AM  
Blogger Arye said...

You're a sucker because you know full well that I would have burned a copy for you. ( :

11:02 AM  
Anonymous youcannotbeserious said...

dont worry, i didnt. i was just asking.

12:37 PM  
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