DEAR MR. AND MRS. HILTON



We need to talk about your daughter.
While I am all for beach wear, I think it is unarguably inappropriate for your daughter Paris to show up to her kindergarten class in a hot pink string bikini. When I asked Ms. Hilton if her parents knew what she was wearing to school, she answered that her mother had picked it out for her.

And while this uniform (or lack thereof) is unacceptable in our academy, this is just the beginning of her delinquent behavior. Just yesterday, during naptime, I was witness to Paris sneaking into the cot of her fellow classmate and asking him to touch her in "the private wing of [her] Hilton hotel." Additionally, she was holding a night vision camcorder which is not the sort of equipment you generally find on a five-year old. Why is she privy to such technology at such a young age?
Of course, Ms. Hilton was punished, which she yelled, is not the sort of thing she's used to. I am voicing my concern now because I think that these are Paris' most formative years. If we allow her to get away with this behavior from herein, I can only imagine what she'll turn out like when she's older.

Yes, I am all for creative expression--I think it's important for a child to find his or her outlet at a young age but that outlet should not include a thermos full of Kristal and a Frangelica sip boxes. Moreover, Paris insists that she sings in the Kindergarten talent show but I don't think that her voice is her strong point. I think she has many hidden talents--very, very hidden talents--but if we value our hearing, singing should not be encouraged. I am open to suggestions if you are aware of one of these deeply buried talents because as of now, I have yet to find one (also, I had to explain to Paris that grinding the school custodian is not considered "a talent").

Mr. and Mrs. Hilton, I am worried about Paris. Her IQ test scores are not high, and her reading and speaking are both delayed. If this current path continues, I don't know if she'll be employable or self-sufficient. As I see it, she needs extreme disciplining and a modest wardrobe or she will just develop into a walking punchline.

Also--and I apologize for the inappropriate nature of this presumption--but it may prove beneficial if you kept closer tabs on your child's drug problem. After every recess, Paris returns from the bathroom with a powdered nose and full of energy. Unfortunately, I cannot believe her powdered donut excuse for much longer. I am a kindergarten teacher, not a fool.

I am more than happy to continue discussing this with you both in-person or on the phone. But it's my preference that we handle this sooner than later. Paris has had a somewhat negative effect on her classmates, especially on Nicole, Lionel Richie's daughter. Considering how promising Nicole's future looks it would be a shame to ruin it so early on.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Kranz
Your daughter's kindergarten teacher (if you didn't know)