HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT, VOLUME I: THE BONNIE FULLER EDITION
-or- A REVIEW OF A BOOK I WILL NEVER, EVER READ, PART III
Bonnie Fuller is the editorial director of American Media and Star magazine, a publication like Us Weekly but for even more shallow people. Fuller was also the editor-in-chief of Us beforehand. At Us Weekly, she transformed the Wenner Media publication from a somewhat tolerable celebrity-centric magazine into the steaming pile of garbage that it is now. She is also rumored to be the anti-Christ. This has been confirmed from a "reliable source", or a "close friend."
In her first book The Joys of Much Too Much: Go for the Big Life--The Great Career, The Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You've Ever Wanted (this is the title, by the way, not the contents of the book itself), Fuller tells us how to get the great career, the perfect guy, everything else you've ever wanted AND still find time to suck the blood out of the throats of innocent virgins. How's the book, you ask? Oh, it must be sensational. Just absorb these descriptive and laudatory quotes from well-known readers and critics (actual quotes as featured on Amazon.com):
"Bonnie has the right attitude for an abundant life; she thinks big. Even better, she lives big. The Joys of Much Too Much is big on good advice, and my advice is to read it, study it, and learn." - Donald Trump
Wait, I'm confused here. You realize, Donald, that you're giving good advice by recommending the good advice of someone else. Who's advice is better? Oh, man. Should I judge this one based solely on make-up and hair styles? Hmm, now that's a toughie...
"For the woman who wants it all, Bonnie's book is a must-have!" - Carmen Electra
Is this supposed to entice people into reading the book? An endorsement from Carmen Electra? If I read this book, will my breasts get larger? Will I be married to an ex-junkie "rockstar" (in the same way that Tommy Lee is a "genius") to then only divorce him a few years later? If so, sign me up!
"This book is a must-read for any woman trying to balance family, love, life. . . ." - Tommy Hilfiger
...and fight with Axl Rose?
Needless to say, I have yet to read Fuller's glorious 240 pages but I'm looking through the table of contents and lemme tell you, this book sounds delicious. Let's sample the table of contents, shall we?
Chapter 1. Never Face The Facts: The Positive Aspects of Denial
Interesting. Okay, Bonnie, let's practice denial. You pretend that you're not a human being which will therein help you continue in your career path and I'll pretend to be interested in Nicole Richie and Eva Langoria. How am I doing?
In summation: If I convince myself that I don't have a soul (=denial) than I can be a monster too (=succesful). Sweet!
Chapter 2: Embrace Your Inner Canadian: How To Turn Your Negatives Into Positives
Look, she said it. Not me. Canadians are losers. Who am I to disagree with a media queen?
Chapter 6: You Can't Be Great For Everyone: Sticking To Your Mission
Oh, Bonnie, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were on a mission. You should have just come out and said so.
But now I get it. This all makes sense. When we destroy the concept of privacy and humanity, we are on a mission. When we misplace our focus and attention away from ourselves and direct them to talentless and unethical personalities of our most vapid, we are on a mission. When we are not being great for everyone, we are on a mission. If this last one is confirmed, then I am always on a mission. Man, I love me a mission!
Just two pages into the book, Fuller asks us to "imagine a short brunette, flyaway hair, adult acne..." Okay, I've done this and now I need a drink. But it continues. Fuller advises us that we should work so hard that we're no longer dealing with our inner demons. "Focus on the things that bring you joy into your life: self obsession rarely does," says Fuller.
Ahhh. I get it.
Obsessing over ourselves = bad
Obsessing over celebrities = joy
"I have yet to meet a completely secure woman," writes Fuller on page 6, and if she has, she has done everything within her power to change that with her magazine coverage. "I'm sure a therapist would tell me that part of the reason why I work so hard is that doing so distracts me from my inner-demons."
My final question to you, Bonnie; can Satan truly have inner-demons?
Just kidding, babe. Love ya.
Call me.
-or- A REVIEW OF A BOOK I WILL NEVER, EVER READ, PART III
Bonnie Fuller is the editorial director of American Media and Star magazine, a publication like Us Weekly but for even more shallow people. Fuller was also the editor-in-chief of Us beforehand. At Us Weekly, she transformed the Wenner Media publication from a somewhat tolerable celebrity-centric magazine into the steaming pile of garbage that it is now. She is also rumored to be the anti-Christ. This has been confirmed from a "reliable source", or a "close friend."
In her first book The Joys of Much Too Much: Go for the Big Life--The Great Career, The Perfect Guy, and Everything Else You've Ever Wanted (this is the title, by the way, not the contents of the book itself), Fuller tells us how to get the great career, the perfect guy, everything else you've ever wanted AND still find time to suck the blood out of the throats of innocent virgins. How's the book, you ask? Oh, it must be sensational. Just absorb these descriptive and laudatory quotes from well-known readers and critics (actual quotes as featured on Amazon.com):
"Bonnie has the right attitude for an abundant life; she thinks big. Even better, she lives big. The Joys of Much Too Much is big on good advice, and my advice is to read it, study it, and learn." - Donald Trump
Wait, I'm confused here. You realize, Donald, that you're giving good advice by recommending the good advice of someone else. Who's advice is better? Oh, man. Should I judge this one based solely on make-up and hair styles? Hmm, now that's a toughie...
"For the woman who wants it all, Bonnie's book is a must-have!" - Carmen Electra
Is this supposed to entice people into reading the book? An endorsement from Carmen Electra? If I read this book, will my breasts get larger? Will I be married to an ex-junkie "rockstar" (in the same way that Tommy Lee is a "genius") to then only divorce him a few years later? If so, sign me up!
"This book is a must-read for any woman trying to balance family, love, life. . . ." - Tommy Hilfiger
...and fight with Axl Rose?
Needless to say, I have yet to read Fuller's glorious 240 pages but I'm looking through the table of contents and lemme tell you, this book sounds delicious. Let's sample the table of contents, shall we?
Chapter 1. Never Face The Facts: The Positive Aspects of Denial
Interesting. Okay, Bonnie, let's practice denial. You pretend that you're not a human being which will therein help you continue in your career path and I'll pretend to be interested in Nicole Richie and Eva Langoria. How am I doing?
In summation: If I convince myself that I don't have a soul (=denial) than I can be a monster too (=succesful). Sweet!
Chapter 2: Embrace Your Inner Canadian: How To Turn Your Negatives Into Positives
Look, she said it. Not me. Canadians are losers. Who am I to disagree with a media queen?
Chapter 6: You Can't Be Great For Everyone: Sticking To Your Mission
Oh, Bonnie, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were on a mission. You should have just come out and said so.
But now I get it. This all makes sense. When we destroy the concept of privacy and humanity, we are on a mission. When we misplace our focus and attention away from ourselves and direct them to talentless and unethical personalities of our most vapid, we are on a mission. When we are not being great for everyone, we are on a mission. If this last one is confirmed, then I am always on a mission. Man, I love me a mission!
Just two pages into the book, Fuller asks us to "imagine a short brunette, flyaway hair, adult acne..." Okay, I've done this and now I need a drink. But it continues. Fuller advises us that we should work so hard that we're no longer dealing with our inner demons. "Focus on the things that bring you joy into your life: self obsession rarely does," says Fuller.
Ahhh. I get it.
Obsessing over ourselves = bad
Obsessing over celebrities = joy
"I have yet to meet a completely secure woman," writes Fuller on page 6, and if she has, she has done everything within her power to change that with her magazine coverage. "I'm sure a therapist would tell me that part of the reason why I work so hard is that doing so distracts me from my inner-demons."
My final question to you, Bonnie; can Satan truly have inner-demons?
Just kidding, babe. Love ya.
Call me.
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