ONLY HALF-KIDDING



I'm strongly considering the occupation of cleaning apartments.

My only concern is that people won't think I'm qualified enough. Despite the fact that my mother thinks I am an excellent cleaner, I'm assuming the needy masses require more outside experience. Whatever, you needy mass you.

Nevertheless, I'm working on my Craigslist posting:

Hello. I am an English-speaking (fluent!) man from New Jersey but I currently live on Manhattan's Upper West Side. I would love to clean your apartment because I am not making enough money as a freelance writer. Now you're thinking, Woah. A freelance writer? Can a freelance writer really know how to clean? Heck, yeah! Not only can I clean but I can fold. I can fold like they fold in the Gap. No, better than the Gap. More like Banana Republic-folding.

When I come to your apartment, my intention is to make your place look clean and tidy. While this is never actually verbalized by the cleanee, cleaning is one thing but tidying, which involves neatness and order, is special. My intention is to not hide the things that you'll be looking for when you're in a rush and can't find it so you blame the cleaning person--not lady!--because after all, this isn't a scavenger hunt, is it? Huh? Is it?

It's quite simple, see. Sweaters go in the closet with the other sweaters. Socks go in the sock draw. Shirts get hung up with the other shirts. I see the pattern. I'm with you here. I'm on your side.

But besides a clean apartment and an actual conversation in English (fluent!), what else do I offer? Good question. Every time I come to your apartment, I will show off my mix-making skills and leave you a mix CD that's appropriate to your taste.
Did you just fall off your chair from amazement?
You did?
Are you okay?
Let's say I'm dusting off the CD pile and I notice that you really like folk music. Well, next time I come by, I'll bring a mix of folk music. Can this work? Why not? Is it too awesome for words? Possibly.
Hypothetically, if I do discover that you like polka a lot, I'm kinda screwed here.

Moreover, I am impeccably trustworthy. My mom is an elementary school principal and my dad was a rabbi. I was a boy scout until I was fifteen. I won't even take someone else's newspaper from the lobby even if it is at the end of the day and the outdated paper doesn't even matter anymore. I mean, this happened hours ago. Do you still care about something that happened hours ago?

I should warn you, though, that I don't do windows. I don't know why but this seems like something all cleaning people--not ladies!--say when they're laying the law down (in fluent English!). I will also not burden you for lunch or a beverage...what's that? A glass of water? Well, sure. But that's it. Nothing more.
It's sparkling?
Hmm. Okay.

I will do laundry.
I will not sweat and smell (for some odd genetic reason, I was born without these basic human functions).
I may judge your lifestyle with my eyes. But not intentionally.
I will not take advantage of your your absence by watching the new Megan Mullaly Show.
And finally, depending on whether you are home or not, I may pass the time by listening to some music with my 60 GB iPod which my girlfriend bought for me on Hanukah.
Oh, and I'm Jewish. I hope that's not a problem.