Thursday, March 20, 2003


We're at war. And the most unusual thing about being at war is that it feels more or less like not being at war. When you turn off the television, one could almost imagine that he or she was in peacetime.

Like, I'm not exactly sure exactly what the protocol is for wartime behavior. Am I supposed to be more somber? More serious looking? A bit more aggressive at the super market? Should I be wearing fatigues to show solidarity with my brethren in Iraq? Should I stay in my apartment? Because if I should, then I have been practicing for a long time now. I'm really good at that part.

Or maybe I should be listening to pensive music that makes me think about things like...war...and peace...and then the prospects of peace after war. You know, music like John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell and Pink.
Wait....but maybe it's better to be listening to music I would listen to while driving my tank to American Victory(TM) like George Thorougood or Blink 182. Perhaps that's more appropriate. Maybe then and only then will we win (otherwise the terrorists have won). When I am blasting music people like to have on while they're plowing down the enemy--that seems like our only effective plan right now.

By the way, all of sudden I feel unpatriotic when I say things like, I hate it when Bush speaks to our country and he just looks like he wants his mommy. Can I say things like that? Is it wrong? And maybe he does just want his mommy? Is that such a bad thing?

Should I eat the French fries? Should I pass on them and head right over to the Freedom fries? I'm told that the Freedom fries are lower in cholesterol. It's so stereotypical of those French people to want to raise my cholesterol. Well, not this time, France. My cholestrol is being fought with Freedom fries. Viva la Freedom!

I can't help but notice that Geraldo also has a mustache...has anybody checked this out? Has anybody inquired as to whether Geraldo is from Iraq or not? If I was in the media, I would get to the bottom of that controversy.

Saddam definitely does not like Jewish people and I'm told people who live in Lawrence. Wouldn't it be so cool if we found out Saddam was actually Jewish himself? Absolutely wild! Maybe he and Ari Fleischer belong to the same synagogue.

All I know is that its times like these that make me say things like "Sean Penn for President in 2006."

My door man told me today that all's fair in love and war. I nodded in agreement but I'm not sure what he was saying really.

Can we say things like "you're the bomb" during wartime? Should we be a bit more sensitive when throwing the war-like vernacular around? Is it wrong for me to exclaim, "man, war's a bitch," especially when I don't know if war is really a bitch or not? And there may be some bitches who would take offense to that comparison.

What ever happened to that Bin Laden guy?


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