Wednesday, May 21, 2003

THE FOOD I HAVE SAID GOODBYE TO; a play written in three parts

Setting: Arye is sitting in his disheviled living room watching the Gilmore Girls. The door bell rings. He gets up to answer it.

Arye: Coming.
[Arye open the door and sees a 5'7 glazed Krispy Kreme donut standing in the same spot where his New York Times usually sits every morning]
Arye: What are you doing here?
Krispy: I was in the neighborhood.
Arye: But I've said goodbye to you already.
Krispy: Can I come in?
Arye: No. I'm watching the Gilmore Girls.
Krispy: Can't I watch with you?
Arye: Look, I said you couldn't come in.
[Krispy sighs and makes an unusually sad face for a donut]
Arye: Oh, ok. You can come in...but only for a little while.
[Krispy sits on the couch next to Arye. Some of his glaze comes off on the couch which clearly distresses Arye]
Arye: Dude, watch your glaze.
Krispy: Sorry.


[Arye and Krispy have finished watching the Gilmore Girls. And the door bell rings again]
Arye: Who could that be?
Krispy [singing under his breath the famous Men At Work song]: who could it be knocking at my door...
[Arye opens the door and sees his old friend, French Fries]
Arye: Geez, what is going on here tonight?
French: I heard Krispy was here so I figured I would drop by, too.
Arye [looking both at Krispy and French]: This is so wrong of both of you. You know how unhealthy you both are and how I've been trying to retsrain myself from hanging out with the two of you.
French: I am just a side dish. How harmful could I be?
Krispy: Yeah, and I'm just a desert.
Arye: That's not the point. You are both fried and bad for my heart, cholestoroil. Everything.
French: That is like, so lame. Can I come in?
Krispy: Sure, we just watched the Gilmore Girls.
French: Oh! What happened? Tell me....Arye, do you have any ketchup?
Arye: Yeah.
French: Get some-you're gonna need it.
Arye: Haven't you noticed that I've been away for a while?
Krispy: He's trying to be healthy now.
French: Healthy?!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What's the point of living if you can't eat what you want.
Krispy: That's what I've said.
French: And just think about all the amazing times we spent together. Remember all the late nights when there was nothing else to eat besides French fries? Remember all the hamburgers with their plates adorned with beautiful golden Frenc fries? You can't just leave us! That's maddening!
Krispy [to Arye]: Hey...where's your bathroom?


Setting: French Fries is obviously distressed as he circles the room, talking to himself. Krispy Kreme sits on the couch lethargically with a remote changer in his hand and his feet up on the coffee table. Arye is considering calling the police but realizes how silly it would sound calling the police for a breaking and entering of a large donut and pack of fries.
Arye: You guys need to leave. I'm not changing my mind.
[Door bell rings]
Arye: Oh my....who could this be?
[Arye opens the door once again to see a bowl of Fettucine Alfredo]
Arye: Uch. You stink.
Fettucine: Well, I am cheese, ya' know. Sorry for living.
Krispy and Fries: Hey, Fredo!
Fettucine: Hey guys! What are you doing here?
Arye: Look, everyone has to leave now. I am expecting someone and cannot have the three of you sitting here.
Fries: LIAR! You are expecting no one! You just want us out because we're "not healthy." Ridiculous.
Arye: Look, I seriously am expecting someone so I would appreciate it if you all left now. C'mon, guys. I will see you again if you leave. If you go, I promise not to completely sever ties with you. I will visit on occasion. It doesn't have to be final....
Krispy: Honest?
Arye: Yea.
[Doorbell rings. Arye sprints to answer the door]
Arye: Crap! There she is...and you guys are still here! Take the back door. Now!
[Door opens]
Person at door: Arye? The door is open. I'm coming in.
Arye: Wait...uhhh...I'm not dressed yet!
Person at door: Oh, please. I'm coming in.
[It is revealed that the person coming in is Martha Stewart]
Martha: Oh, look who's here. It's Krispy, French and Fredo. Are they staying tonight?
Arye: They were just leaving.
Martha: Do they have to?



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