Monday, May 12, 2003

I've started a new job today and I realize that these are the most important things to get done on the first day:

Choosing a toilet - chances are, if you have a lot to do, you'll be hiding out in the bathroom often. So it's important to choose the stall that you are most comfortable with. The one that you'll be happiest with your pants down and a New York Times spread out before you. The day is long and dreary if you pick the wrong stall. So choose wisely.

Finding a place to buy coffee from - God forbid, you should use the free office coffee. I mean, that is so intern-ish....errr, office coffee anyone?

Introducing yourself to your cubicle neighbors - These are the people who will make you or break you. And they will introduce you to other people, who introduce you to other people, who introduce you to other people, who introduce you to your office crush who you will obsess on for hours and hours, hoping that she walks by so you could offer her some office coffee.

Memorizing the office lay out - this is all the rage.

Learning which employee has the juiciest gossip - it's so much fun to hear about who's doing what with who.
In the office, gossip is a weapon. Be armed.

Make sure you know who's high up and who's not - this information could come in handy when you're not in the mood to hold the elevator door open for that person who's shouting "can you hold that please?"

Introducing yourself to the mailroom - Free magazines, people. There is nothing more valuable than having a copy of People Magazine to read on the subway on the way home. You can sit there and revel in the fact that you're catching up on Renee Zellweger's weight fluctuation issues FOR NOTHING!

Get the answer to "where is the supply room?" - never underestimate the glory of office supplies in abundance. Sometimes, I want to jump in a pool of Post-it Notes pads completely naked.


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