Tuesday, December 02, 2003


Dearest Jesus,

I hope you are well. I am currently wrapping up my movie about your last day as a mortal. I think it's an impressive movie. I'm certain you'll enjoy it. Now, I want you know something because we're friends: you may hear things in the papers about the movie being slightly anti-Semitic. And I wanted to address that right away being that I try to be as open as possible when it comes to our relationship. Truthfully, I have nothing against the Jewish people. I just think that this whole Hollywood take-over is freaking me out. I needed to take a stand against it and the only way to do that was to blame your death on them. Dig?

Yours forever,


Dear Mel,

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's with all this death talk, kid? My "last day as a mortal?" Eeeeeasy there. In the oh-so-eloquent of Arnold Jackson, whatcha talkin' abowt, Mel?

I am very much alive and well and living in Palm Springs where the temperature is a very comfortable 78 degrees and rising. In fact, right now I'm watching Comedy Central and there's this dang McDonald's campaign again with that crappy jingle "I'm lovin' it." Uch. It's so annoying it makes me want to turn water into wine or something drastic like that.

So enough of this me-being-dead talk. It makes me very uncomfortable. It's enough to creep out the son of God. Yes, even me.

And another thing, Mel, I'm not sure if you know this but news update, Kronkite: I am Jewish. Straight up, dawg. Circumcised, l'chaim drinking, matzah chewing, Shalom-greeting Jew. I hate to break it to you but look here; we are all not responsible for the buying out of Hollywood. Take my cousin Marty, for example. He owns a significant share of the Upper East Side in Manhattan. Doesn't even have a blade of grass to his name in Hollywood. Talk about debunking a myth!

It is good to hear from you, though, but ease up on the playa hatin.' Take it from me, your friendly Jesus. It gets you nowhere.

Word up,


Sweet Jesus,

O' Lord, thank you for your prompt response. I am humbled by your letter even though it was not exactly what I was expecting.

Needless to say, I did not know you were alive. I thought you were here on our good Earth showing us the glory of God in a reincarnated state. I haven't been this shocked or confused since What A Woman Wants was not nominated for an Academy Award (perhaps another sign that there is a prejudice in Hollywood against me and my free-thinking ways).

Here is my problem, Jesus. And maybe you can help me out here. I have invested so much money and time into my project that if the masses found out that you are still alive and living in....er, Palm Springs, my movie would be doomed for sure. If you could keep a low profile at least until it comes out on DVD (if you would be interested in adding a commentary track, let me know), I would most appreciate it.

Humbly yours,



J here. Sup?

I take it back about the McDonald's campaign. The Herbal Essence commercials are so much more annoying.

Peace. My old lady, Mary, is calling me,


My Savior,

My deepest and heartfelt apologies for not writing sooner. I have been so busy with scribing the accurate story of your final day and with the Jewish media down my back, it has been progressively difficult.

Sometimes, I think about how you and I are really not that different. To an extent, we both fought for what we believe in. For you, it was your beliefs and your ideals and for me, it was petitioning for another Lethal Weapon (4, which is unarguably the best one). The sacrifice that we make. Heck, I feel like I'm getting crucified on a daily basis. People just don't understand us. I go through life being just as passionate as you were. I try to be the best example I can be. I want everyone to see this movie and experience, on a literal level, what your life was like and your persecution. But on a metaphorical level, I want them to understand me and my long and winding road full of truth and religion.

Please write me back with your guidance. I could use it more than ever.

At your feet,


Mel -

You're totally bumming me out here. What did I tell you about the dead-stuff? Knock it off. And I'm also pretty sure I told you not to do Lethal Weapon 4. But you didn't listen to me. No, you had to do it. And you brought Chris Rock down with you.

You just suck.


PS did you say "scribing" in your last letter? Who do you think you are? Moses?


My King, My Father,

This is the last letter I will be able to write to you before the premiere of the movie. I have enclosed two tickets for the showing. Feel free to bring a loved one or a friend or God. I would be more than appreciative if you could make it. Obviously, it would mean so much to me to have Jesus at the premiere. Talk about your good press! Jesus, I only ask that you wear a tuxedo for this event because it is black-tie only.

And I truly apologize if this offends you, but no sandals, either. Thank you.

Your humble servant,



No sandals, no Jesus.

I ain't coming to your stupid movie. Besides, I hear that the dialogue is in Latin. Have you lost your mind? I have a hard enough time watching a movie from England.



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