Wednesday, October 20, 2004


[Premise: The year is 2133. After years and years of societal dictation that all men must act like "jerks" and "think with their members," all men on the Planet Earth have actually become callous and bereft of any chivalry. Women, as a result, have learned to adapt and accept the harsh reality.
During this sad age in the human race, a man wakes from an 872-year deep freeze. His name is Ed and Ed is still a nice guy. In fact, unbeknownst to him, he is the last nice guy on Earth. These are samples from his diary]

October 20th

Today I held a door open for a seemingly-nice woman in her thirties. This is something that my parents taught me to do. But oddly enough, the woman slapped me in the face. I couldn't believe it. I asked her what I had done wrong?
What did you do wrong, she asked in disbelief.
So naturally I said, yeah.
She gave me this look of horror and called me "a pig." She told me to never do anything like that in public ever again.
I kept my cool and told her to have a good day.
She turned around and told me to "go f*** myself."
So much has changed in this world. I'm still getting used to the swallowable cars.

October 22nd
I went to a bar near my apartment. A nice little place. People sure drink a lot in the future. Oh, and they don't make Bud Light anymore. What's a guy from Jersey supposed to drink?
I spotted this cute girl sitting by herself. It's so rare when that happens so I knew it was my chance to make a move. You know, start some conversation.
I walked over to her and said, hey. Do you mind if I sit here?
Do I mind, she asked? Like it makes a difference if I mind. You'll sit here regardless of what I want.
At this point I'm thinking, gosh, the second angry woman I've met since I woke from my coma. What are the chances?
I sat down and asked her how her day was?
And she said, what do you want from me? Do you just want to use me and dump me days later? If you do, well, let's just get this over with. My place or yours?
At this point I'm thinking what is going on here? I said, no, I just want to make some conversation.
Conversation, she says, like I had just asked her to kill someone for me. I don't make conversation, buddy. You're a pervert and if you don't leave me alone, I'm going to ask the bouncer to escort you out.
Yikes. I got up and sat down elsewhere and drank alone. I watched some TV. They have this weird reality show about a house of aliens all living together in a house on Mars. My personal favorite is the gay Uranus alien. He seems so damn likable.

Ocotber 27th

So, I was hanging out with my new friends, Dawg and Scumbag (both nicknames...although, I'm can't be sure) and they're trying to set me up with some ladies. And I'm super appreciative. Dawg told me about a girl in particular that would be good for a "wild ride." I told Dawg that I have my own car so I won't need to date a girl with one. I asked if they knew anyone who was into good music and was also well-read. Scumbag laughed at me. I'm not sure why. Perhaps he thought that I shouldn't restrict myself like that considering I have been asleep for 872 years. Maybe he's right.
I asked them if they had girlfriends.
Dawg told me that I was the funniest guy he knew. And I should try to be serious once in awhile.
We then went out for pizza which is so much yummier in the future.
I was feeling bold since I paid for the pizza, so I asked Scumbag what he looked for in a woman..since that seemed to be our topic of conversation tonight. Come to think of it, we always talked about women. Weird.
Scumbag told me he likes them easy.
Easy on the eyes, eh, I said as I winked.
He laughed at me again.
I think I hate the future.

[Stay tuned for more adventures of The Last Nice Guy On Earth]


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