Wednesday, September 20, 2006


Bring Back Sincerity: Welcome back to In The Sincerity Studio with your host, me Bring Back Sincerity. Today's guest is Edy's Slow Churned Ice Cream.

Edy's Slow Churned Ice Cream: Hi. Thanks for having me.

BBS: How did you get so awesome?

ESCIC: Ha ha. Please, stop. I'm blushing. Which leads to melting.

BBS: What flavor are you today?

ESCIC: I'm French Silk.

BBS: Sexy. Slipping into something more comfortable, aren't we? Ha ha. Now you're available in thirty-one flavors. If I were Baskin-Robbins, I would think, why did they stop at thirty-one? Why not thirty-two?

ESCIC: Well, I think Baskin-Robbins has gotten rid of their 31 Flavors identity. And besides, our flavors are seasonal. Girl Scouts Thin Mint Cookie, for example, is a limited edition flavor only available in the Spring.

BBS: I totally hate mint.

ESCIC: Oh, sorry.

BBS: Not so crazy about Girl Scouts, either.

ESCIC: Well, we offer other limited edition flavors like Eggnog and Orange Cream.

BBS: They're kinda whinny and persistent. Like if I don't buy their box of cookies, am I an a**hole? I always feel so manipulated by their pre-pubescent sympathy faces.

ESCIC: And my personal favorite is the Girl Scouts Samoa Cookie flavor.

BBS: What makes you less fat?

ESCIC: Edy's has a revolutionary process.

BBS: Yeah, I read that on your website. Want to share with me some more marketing-speak while you're at it?

ESCIC: A magician can't reveal all his secrets.

BBS: True. But I hate magicians too.

ESCIC: ...

BBS: The Washington Post said, "Edy's Slow Churned light ice cream took 10 years, millions of dollars in research and more than $100 million in manufacturing changes to produce." What's it like to be eaten?

ESCIC: Pretty final. But it's my job. Every day I see thousands of my friends and family lost to people that eat. It's a stressful role in life...never knowing when you're next...

BBS: Would it be awkward if I asked you right now for a sample like I do all the time in Tasti-D-Lite because sometimes all I need is just a taste?

ESCIC: ...

BBS: Could you be the best thing to happen in 2006?

ESCIC: I'd like to think so. This ice cream has changed a lot of people's lives.

BBS: What were you like as a child?

ESCIC: Milky.

BBS: What's your favorite word?

ESCIC: Magic shell.

BBS: How do you want to be greeted by the stomach?

ESCIC: Welcome. We've been waiting for you.

BBS: Ha. That was a trick question. You think the stomach talks?
There was a contest for a lifetime's supply of Slow Churned. Did I win?

ESCIC: Did you apply?

BBS: No.

ESCIC: Then, no, you did not win.

BBS: What if they invent a death-defying pill approved by the FDA in 2042 and then you have to supply ice cream forever to all those winners who will then live forever?

ESCIC: That didn't come up in the board meeting.

BBS: Thank you for joining us tonight, Edy's Slow Churned Ice Cream. Join us next time on In The Sincerity Studio when we interview the jerk that invented the Razr cellphone. Good night, America.


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