CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE



As you may have noticed, I've been a sucky blogger this week. Supplying you with a Song of the Day is a minimal effort on my part for keeping our relationship going. It's like calling you to say "hi" but telling you that I'm having a crazy week and we should totally have lunch soon but this week is just no good and yeah, I looked at my calendar and it's just madness all over the place.

You, dear reader, may not believe this but some of the essays I write on this website take--on average--close to an hour each (well, obviously the short entries lower the average) and in some instances, I sacrifice my own creative writing (the novel I'm working on) for the sake of posting on BBS but this past week, I found myself wondering why.

This isn't my first crisis of confidence. I've had them before. But this time, it feels more urgent. I'm starting to resent the creative process's lack of compensatory love. Especially now when I'm thinking in adult terms, i.e., future, life, and a pimping jacuzzi in my master bathroom. Granted, completely ditching my writing career would be silly and ultimately, I would resent myself for making that decision.

But I also need to be realistic. Practicality and realism are two things that I've been running from for quite some time but when you're paying New York rents, they eventually catch up. It pains me to not be able to afford the luxuries of every day, the things some of my wealthier friends take for granted. I surround myself with business professionals (I live on the Upper West Side) and while their occupations couldn't interest me less, I envy their anxiety-less existence.

Shana is reading a book called Light At the End of the Tunnel about children and adults suffering from terminal diseases. Not exactly a good times compilation (it's reading for graduate school) but she read one portion aloud to me because she's aware of my recent (or permanent) struggles. One of the doctors profiled in the book mentions the importance of living your life the way you want to live it and never sacrificing your aspirations for the sake of the fleeting and monetary.

It's an easy concept to read in a book and an even easier concept to write about, but internalizing the idea of happiness and fulfillment through true and sincere expression is more difficult, especially when you take the time to read what is popular on the internet, the overwhelming noise of emptiness.

Throughout the week, I had many opinions to share and theories I would have loved to elaborate on, but I wasn't sure if there was a point. It's not that I don't value my daily readers (you know I'm thankful) but it's almost four years come this February that I've been writing on this blog and it's almost been that long since I've become a freelance writer. As they say in the street, s***'s gettin' old. I'm not looking for appreciation and I'm certainly not looking for fandom. And I'm well aware of the fact that when one writer goes away, another one comes along.

I guess, at the end of the week, I'm just thinking aloud. And maybe next week will inspire me to continue despite it all. Or maybe this crisis of confidence is eternal.