Tuesday, July 26, 2005

SEE JANE STEP DOWN: AN OPEN LETTER TO JANE PRATT, PART THREE IN A SERIES

Dear Jane,

Crazy news! Are you really, truly, definitely stepping down from your position at Jane Magazine? Like, whoa! Welcome to the world of mid-afternoon matinees!!! Welcome to the life of Dr. Phil and Oprah back-to-back episodes (truthfully, I don't watch either of them. But if you do, it's cool. Totally)! Ahhh, the life of lunch specials delivered to your home. You too will know of this wonderful experience. A man shows up to your door, you hand him money, and he hands you food. It's that simple.

"The years I’ve spent editing Jane have been nothing less than thrilling but I have wanderlust to do new things and I will reveal the specifics as soon as I can." Oh gosh. Jane, I just read your press release and what can I say....that so awful. I hope your wanderlust is curable and that you've caught it in its early stages. Bah! Just jokin' around. I know what "wanderlust" is. It's a band from the late 90's that had a minor alternative hit called "I Walked." Is this your subtle, ingenius way of telling us that you're joining the band? It can't be. Even though they did indeed come out with a reunion album in 2004, it was completely ignored and perhaps rightfully so. I have no idea--I've never heard it.

I'm just sitting here itching with anticipation at your next move. Will it involve movies? Television? Another magazine? Me? I hope it involves me because you so know that I'm a big fan. Oh, c'mon. Don't blush--you know you're awesome. No, I'm not. You are! No, you are. Noyouare! NOYOU! Ha ha ha. Okay, we're both awesome.

Question: when you leave Jane, are you going to take your name with you? Because that would be so weird if you had no name.

In case you get bored with all your free time, I have come up with a list of things to do:
-Meet people for lunch. One of my favs. Whenever I have time, I do this. And get this--you don't have to rush back to an "office" and you don't have to stay "sober," either.
- Shop for things on eBay that you couldn't possibly really want.
- Go to a Starbucks and complain about how expensive the drinks are. This could take up to three hours if you get a very patient manager. And chances are you will. They simply hate it when you threaten them with a " don't you raise your voice at me or I'm going to complain to corporate headquarters" (by the way, he will never ever raise his voice at you). Best yet, in order to finally end the conversation, he'll probably just give you a free drink.
- Look around on Craigslist for part-time jobs like furniture mover, nude model, hostess (we know what that means, right?). While I have never responded to any of these posts, looking at them also occupies a great deal of time.
- Two words: Instant Messenger. Although I think someone already took "JanePratt." Don't go with "JanePratt1." I say, no numbers! Do something creative like "SassyJane." I know that's not good but it's off the top of my head. Sorry.

Well, Jane, I gotta run. I have some work to do but I sincerely wish you an incredible amount of luck in whatever you decide to do (pick me! Pick me!). Keep in touch and let me know if you're down for a trip to Starbucks. I'll try to complain my way into getting two free drinks.

Best,
A

- For all you Sassy fans: a Sassy Magazine fan site

2 Comments:

Anonymous youcannotbeserious said...

omg! you just made my day. really i mean it.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Naomi! said...

Hey! I loved this magazine. Remember when they changed their look and it became much more glossy and expensive?

5:39 PM  

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