Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A TELEVISION PITCH; CRUISE AND THE BREW

[Premise: Tom Cruise lives with a talking bottle of Budweiser beer. No one else can hear the Bud speak except for Tom. Therefore, Hollywood thinks Tom is going insane. Katie Holmes, Cruise's fiancé does not hear the bottle either but pretends that she does just so she can see a spike in her career. Cruise's personal assistant is also a two-year-old boy named Kyle that has a reoccuring case of diarhea.]

[Cruise walks in. Live studio audience applauds]
Tom Cruise: How many times have I told you, Kyle, that you cannot make in your pants during a movie premieres?
Kyle: Giggle.
Tom: This is one of the biggest movie premieres of my career and you ruin it by making #2 on Coppola's lap.
Kyle: Giggle.
Tom: I need you to get on the phone and confirm my appearance on the Today Show but I'm going to have to cancel the interview on Access Hollywood. Then I need my dry-cleaning and groceries and Katie is waiting to be picked up right now. Am I clear?
Kyle: Giggle.
Tom: Good.
Budweiser: Hey, Tommy! How's it hanging?
Tom: Hey, Bud. Not bad. A rough night. Kyle made in his pants again.
Bud: Oh boy! Not very pretty, eh?
Tom: Yeah. The worst mess I've seen since my divorce from Nicole.
Bud: Zing!
Tom: Hi-five?
Bud: You betcha!
[Tom and Bud hi-five. Audience laughs]
Katie: Honey, I'm home! I got a ride home.
[Crowd cheers]
Tom: I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Katie: Yeah, yeah. I know.
Tom: I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU! NO, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I DID TWO MINUTES AGO! MORE THAN THAT! MORE!
Katie: Gotcha. Cool. What a day. Do you have any beer in the fridge?
[Katie grabs Bud]
Katie: This will do.
Tom: KATIE! NO!
Katie: What's wrong? Can't I drink this beer?
Tom: No. Katie, please. That's Bud. He's the only one that understands me.
Katie: What? And Tom, why is there a baby on the floor with a dirty diaper.
Tom: Oh, that's Kyle. He made on Francis's lap tonight.
Kyle: Giggle.
[Applause and crowd laughs. End of Scene One]

Scene Two: [Tom and Kyle are shopping in the supermarket. Bud is in Tom's pocket as the three of them walk up and down the aisles]
Tom: I never did believe in cancer. I don't think it exists.
Bud: I'm not sure if I agree with you on this one, Tom. I'm pretty sure cancer is a valid disease.
Tom: Kyle and I have done plenty of research on this and we know the truth. Right, Kyle?
Kyle: Giggle.
[Voice calls from the other end of the aisle] Tom! Tom Cruise, is that you?
Tom: Oh, man. It's Kelly Preston. She's such a snitch. She'll see me with this bottle of beer and she'll tell all the Scientologists that I'm drinking. What do I do?
Bud: Stay cool, man. We're in this together.
Kelly: Timothy Cruise. Well, I'll be damned. What are you doing here?
Tom: Doing some shopping with my assistant.
Kelly: Oh, you're baby-sitting for someone?
Tom: Nope, Kyle is my assistant.
Kelly: Ah ha...I see....Tom, is that a bottle of beer I see in your pocket?
Tom: No, this is Bud. He's a friend.
Kelly: What kind of friend?
Tom: We do pretty much everything together. Bud is the brother I never had.
Kelly: Are you feeling okay?
Tom: I'm doing great. I'M IN LOVE. SO IN LOVE. I'M LOVE WITH KATIE SO MUCH!
Bud: Oh no. Here he goes again.
[Audience laughs]
Kelly: Tom, you're making a scene.
Bud: And Kyle is making #2.
Tom: Oh, Kyle!
Kyle: Giggle.
[Audience laughs and applauds. End of Scene Two]

[Scene Three: Tom is at home sitting on the couch with Bud and Kyle. Katie storms in with a magazine in her hand]
Katie: Tom! Have you seen this week's In Touch?
Tom: Nope. I don't believe in magazines. I think they're false and not real. I've done research and I know enough to know that magazines are fake.
Katie: Tom! It says that you're an alcoholic. It has pictures of you walking around a supermarket with a bottle of beer in your pocket and a baby with a dirty diaper.
Bud: Uh oh, Tommy. Looks like we're in trouble.
Tom: Yikes. Kyle get on the phone and do some damage control here. Explain to the press that you're my assistant and that Bud is my best friend.
Kyle: Giggle.
Katie: You are talking to a two-year-old baby and a bottle of Budweiser.
Tom: I know that, Katie. But please, don't reduce them to just that. I would be nowhere without them. You know that. Now apologize to Kyle and Bud.
Katie: Ugh!
[Audience laughs]
Tom: Now. Where were we? Kyle, are you on the phone? I don't see you on the phone yet.
[Kyle picks up a toy phone]
Kyle: Giggle.
Tom: Kyle, this isn't the time to talk to Elmo. We don't have time for conversations to Elmo. Call Elmo back and get on the phone with People or Us Weekly. Explain the situation.
Bud: Maybe I should call? After all, I am your best friend.
Tom: True. Bud, I trust you with my life but this is Kyle's job. I hired him for stuff like this. I can't give you this responsibility because that wouldn't be fair to Kyle.
Katie: I don't care what this engagement does for my career. This is absolutely insane.
[Phone rings]
Tom: Hello? Oh, hey John.
[Tom turns to Bud and whispers] It's Travolta.
Bud: Tell him I say "hi."
Tom: Bud says hi.
[Tom turns to Bud] John says "hi" back.
Katie: John knows Bud?
Tom: Duh. Of course.
Kyle: Giggle.
Tom: One second, John. Kyle, are you still on the phone with Elmo? What did I say?
Kyle: Giggle.
Bud: Kyle is making on your carpet.
Tom: Oh no. John, can I call you back? Yeah. Thanks. Yes, I did see In Touch. Well, what can I do? They don't understand that we have aliens living inside our bodies. They don't get us. Yes, I will stay strong and we'll get through this just like you got through Battlefield Earth....will do. Take care. Yup. Talk later.
Bud: Wow. What a day. I bet Brooke Shields never has days like this.
Kyle: Brooke!
Tom: Awww, isn't that cute? He's on the phone now with Brooke Shields.
[Audience laughs and applauds. End of Scene Three]

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