A PROPOSAL FOR BRINGING SEXYBACK



I'm bringing sexyback. The other gentlemen--no, not them, the other boys. Yeah, them.
Well, they don't know how to act. I've seen them act and it's not believable at all. It's like UPN acting.
I think you're special. No, really, I do. You're special. Not like the others.
How?
Um, well, I appreciate your behind.
Wait! Don't leave...there's more.
I like the way you pick up the slack. Your slack pick-upping is so unique. It's like your slack pick-upping. You own it.

Please, let me take you to the bridge. Can I?
Cool.

Dirty babe...
No, dirty babe is a compliment. It doesn't mean that you're dirty. Like, filthy. It means like, phat, or bad. You're so good and awesome that you're dirty. Get it?
You see the shackles?
You don't...?
Weird. They're right here. How can you miss these shackles? They're huge, and metal and weigh a ton. Walking around with shackles is not fun but I'm doing so for the sole purpose of impressing you. I'm totally imprisoned to you.
Baby, I'm your slave.
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave.
You're not into that?
Um, that's cool. To be honest, neither am I. If you had been, hypothetically, I would have been a bit concerned here. Like, I'm working really hard here and then I find out that you like to beat me--this may qualify as a deal-breaker. But you're cool. You don't want to whip me.
But, like, if we were pretending, I would let you pretend-whip me. With an invisible whip.
It's just that no one makes me feel this way.

Come here, girl.
No, I haven't forgotten your name.
And no, I haven't forgotten how to say "please." You're right. Come here, girl, please.
Go ahead, be gone with it.
No, I'm not really sure what that means, either.
Come to the back.
I mean, come to the back, please.
VIP.
Drinks on me.
Look at those hips.
Yeah, of course I meant yours.
You make me smile.

I need to tell you something important.
I'm bringing sexy back.
Where did it go?
Not sure. There's a good chance it never went anywhere. It may have been here the whole time. I just assumed that telling you that I'm bringing sexy back is impressive and would therefore impress you.
Those other f***ers don't know how to act.
I know that I told you that already. I'm just saying it again for emphasis. It's important that you know about the bad acting.
Come let me make up for the things you lack.
Cause you're burning up. I gotta get it fast.
Are you okay? You look like you have a fever.
No, you look awesome but you're just sweating a bit and I'm concerned. That's all.
If you're burning up, then I need to get you home.

Once again--just bear with me--I'm bringing sexy back.
This time I'm not talking to you, though.
Yes, I remember your name.
I'm talking to those bad actors.
Yeah, you!
You bad actor you!
You mother f***ers watch how I attack.
I will bring it if I have to.
I'm like, a black belt.
If that's your girl you better watch your back.
Cause she'll burn it up for me and that's a fact.
And just in case you doubt it's validity, I had a proof reader and a copy editor go over that last point and it's been confirmed.
I do not throw facts around with reckless abandon.
Not only am I bringing sexy back but I am ensuring that all my facts are completely valid.
So there.
Can you bad actors top that?