OBLIGATORY PARIS HILTON POST



Paris Hilton finally left prison last night after three weeks of unjust suffering. According to the Washington Post, the hotel heir-head "looking exuberant, sashayed past two rows of reporters and photographers held behind yellow police tape at the Lynwood women's jail just after midnight, before running to a waiting sport utility vehicle to hug her mother, Kathy ("Sashayed?" Who writes this crap?)."

While in prison, Hilton allegedly found meaning and enlightenment which I condone and support because they're both low-fat. Although, Meaning and Enlightenment could also be the name of a boutique jeans brand. Not sure. “I would like to make a difference,” she told Barbara Walters. “God has given me this new chance.” Indeed, Paris. God has given you another chance. So do what needs to be done and speak to Him. Or, better yet, speak to Larry King who is almost as old as God. And seems almost as arbitrary.

But really, what can Hilton do with all this newfound goodness bursting inside of her? Hilton told E! News last week that she hopes to build a “transitional home” to help recently released inmates readjust to freedom. And by "build," she probably means that Daddy will hire people to build it for her and then charge people to stay in it on a nightly basis. Kind of like a hotel. “These women just keep coming back (to jail) because they have no place to go,” Hilton said. “It’s a really bad cycle and if we stop it now, we can make our community a better place.”

“I appreciate everything now and I think there was a lot of bad people that I was around,” she continued “I don’t want to surround myself with those types of people anymore.” But if her cocaine dealer is reading, she means everyone except you. You can surround Paris anytime.

[Editor's note: Snarkiness aside, Hilton is actually just a girl with poor judgement and even poorer parental guidance. And already there's been way too much said about so little. She's contributed very little, if anything, to the world (even though she insists now that that will change) and you could compile the media's attention into an virtually never-ending book set. That being said, I'm trying to understand my fascination, albeit modest, with her. In fact, I've already set my DVR for the Larry King interview. Sad. I know. But why do I care? Could she have anything to say on Wednesday night that will change my life? Change my hour? Probably not. And I've been thinking about it. Ultimately, I think my interest stems from a frustrated disappointment.

I want to see Paris fail because she has never succeeded.

All that money, all that opportunity, the limitless potential to get things done and all she's ever accomplished is a bootleg sex video, cocaine and drinking binges and a number of driving violations. Hilton was born with the chance to live a significant and rewarding life and fails to take advantage. There are many rich, spoiled children disappointing their parents but not many of them are living their miserable failures as media events. Hilton is coy about her misbehavior apologizing insincerely for her ingrained demeanor. Spending three weeks in jail won't change anything about her and we all know it. Which is why we're watching on Wednesday night. We need someone to resent. We need an archenemy and Paris Hilton fills that role for us perfectly.]