Thursday, September 07, 2006


In this feature, I ask random friends the following question over Instant Messenger:
Shiloh Pitt vs. Suri Cruise. Who wins and why?

Then I analyze their responses without altering anything.

"Well, I don't know.
In her teenage years, suri cruise will undoubtedly be one of the toughest, bitterest kids ever.
but as for now, I think the whole being from another country thing works in shiloh's advantage
I also think Suri is over-pampered now
but eventually, she'll turn against her parents and be a menace with a switchblade
but shiloh won't have as many reasons to hate her folks
so she will be a bit softer, less renegade."

Analysis: First, we notice Anna says "I don't know" and then offers us her opinion. Some would call this lying and this concerns us. Anna is rooting for the offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie presumably because she liked Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Moreover, Anna thinks Suri is "over-pampered." Anna feels that Suri should be left to prepare all her own meals and dress herself even if she was indeed born like, two months ago.

[No response]
And then:
"Sorry, work hectci."

Analysis: Rina is too good for Shiloh, Suri and me. Obviously. But then she decides to tell me something about work...that it's hectci? This sounds serious and awful. I've never been exposed to a hectci atmosphere but Lord knows, I probably couldn't handle it. Good luck, Rina. If you're reading this, I wish you strength against work hectci.

"i saw suri, she does look quite beautiful
havent seen shiloh
but ... if i had to vote for who has the least-f***ed up set of parents i would have to say shiloh."

Analysis: Megan calls Suri "beautiful" which gives us cause for concern. She totally has a crush on a little baby girl which potentially makes her a closeted-lesbian pedophile. Or maybe we're just over-reacting and she's being what they call, "complimentary." Although, the closeted-lesbian pedophile angle is more interesting.

"i'm not pop-culturally advanced enough to answer that question
shiloh? suri?
i don't know these people
the children
i'm with you now
hard to focus."

Analysis: Noah is a foreigner new to the country which explains both his broken English and also his admitted unfamiliarity with pop culture. Either that or perhaps Noah was attempting to write a social critique through an Instant Messenger haiku. Maybe he was saying, what's important in this world? Shiloh and Suri? Or the fact that they're just children? How could we have forgotten that. The children. Sorry. Working.
In that case, Noah is brilliant and just way too arty for us. Jerk.

"Not arye"

Analysis: Rod's reading comprehension skills are severely low. We can plainly see that Arye is not one of the choices in the provided responses. In this instance, we are given either Shiloh or Suri. Not Arye. There is no room for creativity or deviation. Or perhaps Rod is simply a deviant which would explain why he wears heels all the time.

"shiloh. Maybe because she wasn't born to freaks
and she's not being hidden from the world like an albino"

Analysis: We can learn from the answer that Naomi provided that she has selective memory. It wasn't that long ago when Ms. Jolie was making out with her brother in public and wearing a vial of her husband's blood around her neck. Granted Cruise is a certified, diagnosed Freak but there's competition in the Pitt/Jolie merger. Nevertheless, Naomi may have chosen Shiloh because she has a problem with Suri, the competition, who has Chinese-looking eyes but isn't actually Chinese. This is inherently dishonest of Suri and worthy of resentment. Oh, and Naomi may dislike albinos, as well.

"shiloh pitt wins the fight
suri wins the beauty contest
but is there really a question about fight?
shiloh obviously
brad beats tom
angelina obliterates katie
= shiloh rips out suris tongue and used it to paint her boat"

Analysis: Aaron is either having a really bad day or has anger management issues. But Aaron is also correct in separating the question into two distinct competitions. It's never too early to get a young girl concerned about her looks, so Aaron lets Shiloh know that she's got to step it up. Work the camera, Shi. Drool just a bit more attractively. It's one thing to be a baby, it's another thing to be a celebrity baby. So Shiloh, for real. And some make-up wouldn't hurt.


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